Scanner Reports 6-5-20

By Roger the Scanner Guy

Once upon a time, there was a woman in my life her name was Ruth. We dated and lived together, even worked together for some time until she fired me. I wasn’t putting out enough. One dark and Stormy Evening we were watching the Twilight Zone, it was an episode about an old woman who lived alone, was in bed one stormy night and started receiving phone calls from her long-deceased sister. The next day she went out to the cemetery where her sister was buried and discovered that the telephone lines were down from the storm and laying across her sister’s grave. It was kinda chilling, one of those shows that put chills down your back. When it came time for me to go home Ruth did not want me to leave she was still kinda scared after watching that Twilight Zone to be alone but I had to go or else be evicted from my Sober halfway house. So I left. When I got home I called her to let her know I was OK, she was still frightened, I tried to comfort her by telling her the show was total fiction. After a bit she seemed OK and we ended our conversation. As I lay in bed  later on in the evening listening to the raindrops on the roof I knew she was most likely laying awake too so I called her again just to make sure she was ok. She answered the phone on the second ring, “Hello?” She said. In my best whiny Old Lady voice I began, “Heeeeeelllllo is this Ruuuuth? I have been wondering about you for a looooonnnngggg time it’s so good to hear your voice after all these years…..”Complete Silence. It took everything I had not to bust up laughing, I held my tongue. She was really scared I couldn’t help but repeat it a couple more times. She was about to cry when I accidentally let out a snicker, she said, “You sonofabitch I’m going to get you back for that.” I had her going for a good long time though.

One Dark and Stormy Night… Twas the beginning of a long and twisted relationship. The love and lust were good at first but like most women in my life, her sanity started to slide past home plate. One night I was in the bathtub and she was standing over me with the electric hot comb telling me she was thinking of dropping it in my bathwater. I got out of the tub real quick. Another night I woke up at 3 in the morning to see her standing in the corner of the room with a butcher knife in her hand. I yelled “Heeeeeeeey!” and she acted as if she was sleeping, she could get kinda scary when she was angry. She finally went out on me and tortured another poor Soul but not before she was working late one evening. I told her I was going out with my friends. She came home, the house was dark, sitting on the sofa she took off her shoes leaned back and sighed. I  grabbed her shoulders and screamed. I never saw anyone move that fast in my entire life it was great it was a masterpiece and I never took a bath or shower with her at home again. It wasn’t too long after that we broke up It was Fun while it lasted. Here is your scanner reports…

Scanner Reports, Wednesday:

  • 9400 Block of Santa Rosa Road Motorcyclist into and over a guardrail.
  • Theft investigation 3505 State street Motel 6.
  • Smoke investigation University Drive in Goleta.
  • Check the Welfare of a subject slumped over a picnic table at Oak Park.
  • Bicyclist down 3900 Block of Paradise Road.
  • Homeless camp Blocking the sidewalk in the Quarantina Underpants.
  • 245pc Investigation 400 Block of Old Coast Highway.
  • Medical Aide at Summit Gas 8 South Milpas street.
  • 415pc 500 Block of North Milpas street.
  • Rollover traffic Accident 1900 Block of Cliff Drive.
  • 2 Subjects Transients sitting in front of Riveria Bank 1000 Block of Anacapa street smoking cigarettes and yelling racial slurs.
  • 415 Domestic Road Rage one subject in a BMW otter in a Dodge ended up in the parking lot of the SB Inn 901 East Cabrillo.
  • Drunk guy passed out in his neighbors back yard twice today 2100 Block of State street, I guess he bought the wrong house.
  • Skaters Invading Skaters point even though it’s closed 20 of them.
  • Keep the Peace while ex tenant picks up his stuff 500 Block of Brinkerhoff.
  • Med call 2000 Block of Lorinda Way.
  • Smoke check Falberg Way in Goleta.
  • Traffic Collision Highway one at 12th in Lompoc.
  • Hercules Ave in Lompoc overdose.
  • Vehicle Fire near Turnpike Shell 175 North Turnpike.
  • Keep the Peace 1300 Block of Olive.
  • 415pc Unknown Type Calle Real at Hitchcock.


Scanner Reports, Thursday:

  • Medical Aide 2600 Block of Tallant Road.
  • Police Activity unknown type Castillo at Montecito 400 Block of West Montecito.
  • Invisible people throwing rocks at Maintenance People trying to use a saw behind Hotel Indigo
  • Audible Alarm 118 East Ortega.
  • Med call 227 West Haley New House One.
  • 100 Block of North La Cumbre Road Medical call.
  • Premises check Anapamu Foot Bridge.
  • 415 Subject possible 594 of Signs at 5 Points in the 3900 Block of State street WMA in his 50’s carrying a yellow Bucket.
  • 20002 Non injury hit and run red pickup with a white board-backed into a vehicle last seen Southbound on Anacapa from Arlington.
  • Outdoor fire 6800 Block of Hollister.
  • Non injury traffic accident 1500 Block of Roble Drive in Hope Ranch.
  • Emergency Response SB County Jail 4436 Calle Real.
  • 23152 Bicycle WMA Wearing a blue UCSB Shirt riding in the middle of DLV.
  • Suicidal Subject making suicidal statements over a phone on East Ortega.
  • 3 Vehicle accident 4 injuries, 2 Red Tag Highway One at Santa Lucia Canyon.
  • 400 Block of Reed Court fire alarms no fire.
  • Medical call on East Clark 1600 Block in Santa Maria subject passed away Rest in Peace.
  • Med call 200 Block of Grant.
  • Fire Medic’s and SBPD responding to a subject who slammed his nose into a wall in the 3400 Block of Richland Drive unknown if it’s still there.



I often think of the Good Old Days when I used to scare the crap out of my girlfriends but the time I got Ruth while she was sitting on the sofa that was the best. I don’t think she lives in town anymore so I’m pretty sure she won’t be reading this. Anyway have a great weekend…Peter, Molly, Belinda, Midnight, Merlin, Angel Baby, Pooh Bear, Lola, PoPo, Shadow, FREDDIE!, Maxwell, Liza, Zoey, Tom Cat, Clancy, Tomicina, Tiger, Tiny, Andy, FISH HEADS ONE AND TWO, Poncho, Zeke, Denny, Jerry, Carl, Stan, Kent, ELMO, Patrick, Christy, Walter, Fred, Jonathan, C.J., Brad, Billy, Diana, Jim, Ross, Rambo, Sherry, David Cox, Po, Marty, Cop John, Eddie, Bambi, Lafayette, Ted, Mark, Willie, Bengie, Willie, Mrs. MacArthur, Auntie Helen, Bommy, Poppy, June, Muskie, Roger, Father Zimmerman, Joseph, Magruder, Don, Edwin, Cory, Kona, Crazy Ed,  Debbie, Ken, Isabelle, Jerry, LUCY!, STOBE THE HOBO, KFC, John Hancock, Micky Mantle, Ernie Banks, Ron Santo, John Havlick,  Little Mac, Lucky, Tom Petty, John Prime, Rich Mullins, Charley Bukowski, Bill, John, Marianne, Pat, Mavis, and Chris willing we will see you on MONday-MONday.  Later,  Roger



Written by Roger

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  1. Takes all kinds, Roger. A lot of people get off on seeing someone else be the target of a prank, just so long as it’s not them who’s the butt of the joke. My ex used to kill herself laughing if someone did a pratt fall or otherwise accidentally executed some vaudevillian-type “Geez, I hope you didn’t REALLY hurt yourself” maneuver. That’s called slapstick humor. I don’t know what laughing at someone else’s intense fear is called. It’s probably best not to intentionally scare people, lest they return the favor. Sounds like Ruth was trying to let you know she had her limits.

  2. She was quite disturbed all right funny you did not say anything about the hot comb or butcher knife but then again Karen…@ Sorry Mark I missed the call was taking care of some personal business I have 3 Karen’s on my ass with meat cleavers….:)

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