Scanner Reports 5-15-20

By Roger the Scanner Guy

When times are rough my mind resorts back to the good old days and I remember life as it was when I was young, good times with good people living a good life. Though I never became wealthy I have had good people in my life, good memories, many stories. I remember after being here in Santa Barbara several years I was lonely and I wanted a girlfriend, not knowing how to go about getting one Sober I put an ad in the Independent then called The News and Review. It was 1984. I remember writing in the ad I was tall and looked like Clark Kent. I was in my early 20’s I said I was heavy set but I wasn’t really, I was about 240 pounds worked out at Santa Barbara Fitness and rode a mountain bike 18-speed Peugeot I bought from Hazards, it had a lifetime warranty for $429 though they were sorry they sold me that bike I broke the frame about 7 times. Several women answered my ad, I picked one. Poor thing she had no idea what she was getting into. Her name was Ruth she was born in Santa Barbara, lived here all her life came from a good family, they did not like me very much but that was OK. I wasn’t dating them or so I thought. I cannot remember where we went on our first date it might have been The Chase restaurant or The Good Earth. I do remember going to Stearns Wharf afterward and making out with her under a brightly lit Full Moon being nervous and trying desperately to hold in my gasers praying only for silencers, but knowing that my karma wasn’t so good and sooner than later all HELL was going to break loose upon this poor innocent gals heart. We were holding each other, she was looking into my eyes. I was praying “No God no not now please.” She said, “It’s so beautiful here the moon and yo……..” I said “I have to FART!” with that my stomach started to rumble low like thunder from the depths of my soul slowly escaping out my backside enveloping our once romantic evening with this Dog Awful odor like a thousand porta-potties. I looked up into her beautiful eyes and they were watering I think she was crying or maybe she was trying to breathe. Here are your scanner reports.

Scanner Reports, Wednesday:

  • Blosser at Bettervia victim of a hit and run in a grassy area Santa Maria never heard any more.
  • 459 Audible gas break 811 State street never heard any more.
  • Structure fire in Lompoc 900 Block of Ocean the Elks Lodge.
  • Communication lines down 2500 Block of Sycamore Canyon.
  • On La Cadena 415 Domestic.
  • Trespasser on the property of Twin Lakes Golf Course 6034 Hollister.
  • Subjects attempt to enter residence 200 Block of West Mason.
  • Hazmat Inspection 1400 Block of Burton Mesa.
  • Transient Camp  Calle Caesar Chavez at Yanonali
  • UI Subject in a vehicle in the 700 Block of West Victoria.
  • Female took a dump in Alameda Park.
  • Older male handing out near the Boys and Girls Club on going BMA in his 50’s wearing a ball cap.
  • Northbound 101 near Muscle Shoals traffic accident.
  • Theft of a bicycle in the 2300 Block of Bath street.
  • Wanted Subject in Vera Cruz Park.
  • Center Divider fire Highway 101 Southbound South of the Pork Palace.
  • Female throwing water on passerby’s in front of McDonalds 1213 State street.
  • 5150pc At Ralphs calling for himself.
  • Code 40 Drunk city lot 2 900 Block of Chapala.
  • Female down next to the gas pump possibly UI Summit gas 8 South Milpas.
  • 459pc Attempt of occupied residence First block of East Victoria, suspect captured at Arlington and Anacapa.
  • 415 Domestic possibly in the 300 Block of West Mission.
  • Code 60 Vehicle blocking 12900 Block of Shoreline.
  • 415 In the 1600 Block of DLV.
  • Skateboarders in Skaters Point not supposed to be there BAU.
  • Possible 211pc attempt the Tobacco Shop 600 Block of North Milpas street several HMJ’s.
  • Female down in traffic 29 North Milpas possibly drunk.
  • Vehicle accident 7300 Block of Hollister.
  • Female fell face down from wheelchair Vera Cruz Park
  • Medical call at Mission Terrace in a room.
  • 261pc Rape investigation at the police station.- In the past couple weeks heard of 2 separate rapes in a motel in the 2800 Block of State street in my off time when I’m not posting though I’m posting them now. 


Scanner Reports, Thursday:

  • Suicidal subject ran off before his father could get him to Cottage jumped out of the car took off 320 West Pueblo.
  • 3000 Block of Calle Noguira residential burglary.
  • Unit requested code 3 back up in the 900 Block of Chapala street.
  • Transient in traffic in the MILPAS UNDERPANTS be careful things can get slippery down there.
  • SO needed SBPD to assist with an arrest in the 100 Block of Calle Caesar Chavez.
  • SBPD on a group at 700 Block of Kimball.
  • Trespasser in a house, squatter? in the 400 Block of Fellowship Road this is the general area where there was an attempted break in the other day….SQUATTERS are taking over vacant homes. If you own a vacant home you can always have a security patrol service go by and check it out for you
  • Med call 200 Block of North Milpas.
  • Check the Welfare of a Lexus on Stanley Drive 500 Block some kind of alarm on the vehicle on star or something.
  • Med call 1100 Block of Quinientos.
  • Drunk guy 314pc When people refuse to give him money, flashing them 300 Block of East Haley I hope someone is carrying a pair of shears.
  • Med call 800 Block of Shoreline Drive.
  • 2500 Block of Treasure Drive medical call.
  • 459 Audible alarm First Block of East Cota.
  • Check the Welfare of an older male who seems disoriented in the 2600 Block of DLV.
  • Check the welfare of a suspicious grocery cart on the corner of Mason and Milpas It had a black trash bag over it I don’t know why that is suspicious can any of you think of anything? Any of you “Karens” out there….That is funny when I was younger I had at least 5 Karens as girlfriends
  • Keep the Peace at the Sunset Motel at least until Sunset in the 3500 Block of State street.
  • Medical call on Santa Catalina.
  • Suspicious male with bleeding lacerations on his face trying to board a bus now that is suspicious. 1020 Chapala street.
  • Traffic Accident highway 101 Southbound at Turnpike minor injury accident.
  • Female refusing to leave the Rose Garden Inn in the 3600 Block of State street.
  • Needles found in an envelope on a ledge in the 1000 Block of Cacique.


Sure is heating up out there again. I hate when it’s hot and my head feels hot then someone pisses me off and it feels like my head is going to spin off my shoulders into outer space. All I have to say is one word, starts with an “F” ends with an “y”, who are they? Anyway, Have a great Week End. Don’t cut any cheese puffs on your dates this weekend if those even exist anymore….Peter, Molly, Belinda, Midnight, Merlin, Angel Baby, Pooh Bear, Shadow, FREDDIE!, Maxwell, Liza, Zoey, Tom Cat, Tomicina, Tiger, Clancy, Lola, PoPo, Tiny, Andy, FISH HEADS ONE AND TWO, Poncho, Denny, Zeke, Jerry, Walter, Fred, Jonathan, C.J., Brad, Billy, Carl, Stan, Kent,  ELMO, Patrick, Christy, Diana, Jim, Ross, Rambo, Sherry, Eddie, Bambi, Pat, Mavis, Mark, Willie, Lafayette, Ted, Mrs. MacArthur, Auntie Helen, Bommy, Poppy, June, Muskie, Roger, Father Zimmerman, Joseph, Magruder, Don, Edwin, Cory, Crazy, Ed, Bengie, Ricky, David Cox, Po, Cop John Marty, Debbie, Ken, Isabelle, Jerry, LUCY! STOBE THE HOBO, KFC, John Hancock, Mickey Mantle, Ernie Banks, Ron Santo, John Havlick, Little Mac, John Prime, Tom Petty, Rich Mullins, Bill, John, Marianne, and Chris willing I will pee you on MONday-MONday.  Later, Roger



Written by Roger

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  1. Poor Ruth. I’ve got to hear more about her. A lack luster guy from school asked me out back in the 70s, and since I was really bored and he was really persistent, I agreed. He had a car. When I got inside, right on the passenger dash was a sign, “Cash, gas or ass. Nobody rides for free.” A loud fart would have been better.

Assault on Gutierrez Street

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