Scanner Reports 4-27-20

By Roger the Scanner Guy

I heard a report the president said ingesting cleaning products might be the answer for illnesses and I went right out a purchased 5 gallons of disinfectant. I wanted to make sure I got the jump on it before everyone else does, you know like the toilet paper thing? The day I heard that I heard some guy drank an unknown amount of steering fluid in an attempt to commit suicide. In the background, I heard him protest when the police were taking him away as if he could not understand why that was happening. Maybe he wasn’t trying to commit suicide at all maybe he has a hard time following directions and he though drinking steering fluid might help.

This made me think of something I did once when I was a kid to get out of something I was involved in. One time when I was in the boy’s home some of us guys got hired to clean a new houseparents vehicle inside and out. One of the guys opened the glove box and inside was an ounce of weed complete with papers, naturally we ripped it off. After we cleaned the car we went to our favorite hang out spot and puffed away. Of course, they figured it out, maybe they were testing us, We failed. Instead of coming straight out and accusing us they choose to interview each of us alone to find out who was involved in the theft so we were told to go to our rooms and wait for the houseparent to get to us. Will as I waited I started getting real paranoid I knew they would figure out I was involved as I totally reeked of THE WEED! Not knowing how to get rid of the odor I noticed a small bottle of Ban Roll On on my dresser there was liquid in the bottle. I opened my window so I could not be heard I grabbed the bottle and banged it against the outside brick wall of the home breaking it off bought it in cleared the broken glass took a small swig and gargled the deodorant  in my mouth and spit it out BIG MISTAKE! Man that was nasty Shit! I kept spitting but it felt like my mouth was really dry and becoming dryer there was no way to wash it out of my mouth because we had to wait in our rooms to be questioned first and bottled water wasn’t sold then so no one had any. Finally the houseparent came into my room and the first thing he said was to blow my breath his way. You all should have seen the look on his face when he smelled my breathm he knew right away what I had done and if that did not convince him the now broken ban container on the dresser did. He had this look of horror across his face. He said the other guys snitched you out and said that you were the guy who ripped off the WEED. I said “Those Sonsofbitches!” I fell for the basic Cop Con, they snitch out the snitches and get you every time only no one snitched me out it’s all in that book “Games Cops Play for Dummies.” For my part in the theft of THE WEED I got 40 Swats from a one-inch thick wood paddle it made me cry and I had huge red welts on my ass. It wasn’t long after that that punishment was outlawed in Indiana but they made sure to get us first. Those welts hurt but we had the WEED and it helped with the PAIN! I never drank deodorant  and I’m not drinking Lysol either I’m smarter than that! Ha! HERES YOUR SCANNER REPORTS…

Scanner Reports, Friday:

  • 2 Year old child in the roadway with a German Shepard wearing boxers. Calle Real at Dump Road.
  • Male on a blue bicycle casing bicycles on Miltada shaved head 300 Block.
  • Code 2 Medics for back pain 209 State street.
  • A lot of Wires and trees down around town from our little wind store.
  • Big tree down 1400 Block of East Valley Road
  • Butterfly Lane tree Down.
  • Highway 101 Southbound offramp male with shaved head and female possibly in possession of a firearm 101 Southbound off ramp at Castillo.
  • They had a report of a swimmer in distress off Leadbetter but the swimmer was fine Water Rescue response better safe than sorry.
  • Premises check Dwight Murphy Field.
  • Premises check East Beach.
  • Group of idiots tearing down fencing around picnic tables at LeadBetter beach.
  • Suspicious circumstances 227 West Haley Newhouse One.
  • 415 Tenant threatening staff and fellow residents at Mission House 114 North Milpas.
  • Medical Assist 5300 Block of Hollister.
  • Subject down to my rear of Pizza Hut Main and College Lompoc.
  • Trespasser 400 Block of Santa Rosa Lane.- 
  • 2 Guys fighting on the out crossing of rocks at the end of the breakwater one got his ass kicked the other walked away.
  • Wires down 1300 Block of Indio Muerto.
  • Premises check Douglas Family Preserve.
  • 415pc Republicans bothering customers at the Santa Cruz Market 324 West Montecito.
  • Cliff and La Marina subject yelling.



Scanner Reports, Saturday:

  • Assault between vendors at the Farmers Market at Cota and Santa Barbara.
  • Cops shaking down a homeless subject in a van for warrants Oak Park.
  • Guy wearing a Trench Coat and Khaki panties looking into vehicles at Whole Foods.
  • Domestic Violence 1700 Block of Grand Avenue.
  • 415 Domestic 700 Block of North Voluntario.
  • County copter checking out a plume of smoke between Lizards Mouth and Highway 154.
  • Combative patient at Cottage Hospital 320 West Pueblo.
  • 415pc Subject with Fish and Game he contacts the PD units show up with a Supervisor not sure where that went Cabrillo and Milpas.
  • Felony Battery Some poor guy got the shit beat out of him though he was homeless I’m sure some of the beautiful people thinks he deserves it. Dwight Murphy bathrooms 501 Ninos.
  • Subject refusing to leave Modern Laundry 1015 DLV.
  • Wall danger 3400 Block of Richland Drive.
  • Bicyclist hit by a postal truck 300 Block of Los Palmas.-
  • Groups of people who don’t give a shit about anyone else picnicking in the 1200 Block of Shoreline.
  • Illegal skateboarder 120 East Valerio.
  • More selfish people having a party and not wearing masks 1000 Block of Neal Park.
  • 200 Block of Sherwood tires slashed on a vehicle.
  • Male steals backpack from a female First West Anapmu
  • Stolen vehicle 5900 Block of Via Real.
  • Medical Call Cacique street Underpass Santa Barbara’s newest Homeless Shelter.
  • Douglas Family Preserve Premises check.


Scanner Reports, Sunday:

  • Premises check Pershing Park.
  • Check the Welfare of a female crying 300 Block of Ellwood Beach Road possible domestic.
  • Medical aide 3600 Block of State street 3600 Block of State street.
  • 415pc Alexander Court 325 West Islay, Elderly patient
  • 2 People ODed on Shrooms, they probably were not good shrooms, in the 1200 Block of Franciscan Court.
  • Keep the Peace in the 1700 Block of Grand Avenue there was Domestic violence there the other day.
  • Premises check Bohnett park.
  • Premises check Leadbetter Beach.
  • Suspicious circumstances subject front of the police station possible vehicle theft out of Bakersfield.
  • Follow Up 400 Block of North Voluntario.
  • Harbor Patrol off shore on a boat rescue.
  • Structure Fire 400 Block of Parkview North Santa Maria.
  • Injury traffic accident Rollover  Anapamu and Olive.
  • Large groups of selfish people on the beach gathering Be on the Lookout East Beach.
  • Vehicle theft 200 Block of Loma Media.


Will that is enough out of me for now I have have to clean up up my Prison Cell by the Beach Have a Nice Day…Peter, Molly, Belinda, Midnight, Merlin, Angel Baby, Pooh Bear, Tom Cat, Tomicina, Clancy, Tiger, Lola, PoPo, Shadow, FREDDIE! Maxwell, Liza, Zoey, Tiny, Andy, FISH HEADS ONE AND TWO.- Poncho, Denny, Zeke, Jerry, Walter, Fred, Jonathan, C.J., Brad, Billy, Carl, Stan, Kent, ELMO, Patrick. Christy Diana, Jim, Ross, Rambo, Sherry, Eddie, Bambi, Lafayette, Ted, Mark, Willie, Mrs. MacArthur, Auntie Helen Bengie Ricky, Pat, Mavis, David Cox, Marty, Cop John, Bommy, Poppy, June, Muskie, Roger, Father Zimmerman, Magruder, Don, Edwin, Cory, Crazy Ed. Debbie, Ken, Isabelle, Jerry, LUCY, STOBE THE HOBO,KFC, John Hancock, Mickey Mantle Ernie Banks, Ron Santo,,John Havlick, Little Mac, Tom Petty, John Prine, Marianne and Chris Willing we will see you on HUMP DAY. Later,Roger



Written by Roger

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  1. OMG Roger, you made me bust out laughing at that drinking of Ban. Now that’s funny, I don’t care who you are. I’ll probably giggle about it all day each time as I think of your story throughout my day.

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