Squirrels in the Attic?

Dear Edda,

I have squirrels in my attic. What should I do?

Puzzled

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Dear Puzzled,

Sometimes I amuse myself so much making up smart-ass answers to questions just like yours. They say that the most important person to amuse is oneself. So thank you for that question.

But seriously. Squirrels are so cute and also can be so destructive inside the walls of your house. You have to get them out, but you also have to make sure they can’t get back in.

So.

Live traps work, but then you have to figure out where to put the little varmints. Not in your yard, or your neighbor’s. You have to drive very far away. With a bunch of squirrels in the back of your car. Or you could set up a stand in the front yard and make little costumes for them and sell them to passersby. Maybe you didn’t see that movie?

After you get rid of the squirrels, make sure you seal up every possible place they can get in. Air vents, little cracks in doors, basement access, nooks and crannies. Remember, they are really good diggers.

This is going to be a very long and frustrating process. And there’s a good chance that you will get a little obsessed with the whole subject of squirrels. Try not to talk about it too much or you will lose friends. Trust me on this. It happened to a friend of mine. Also, I hear they hate the smell of peppermint.

Edda

Edda is not a medical professional but a local lady who loves to give out advice, even when it’s not asked of her. Submit your question to ed@edhat.com for Edda to answer.

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I can assure you after you have tried to eliminate your squirrels the “humane way” for a couple months, you will evolve into a “serial squirrel murderer.” Squirrel’s are very intelligent. If you catch one you should go buy a lottery ticket on the same day. I’m almost certain they have a network across the country that relays all the different ways someone has tried to eliminate them. This is what makes it very difficult to catch/trap them. Leaving lights on in the affected area simply makes it easier for them to find what they need for food or their nest. Also, using strobe lights, peanut butter, moth balls spread in the attic, etc., etc., is generally useless. If you listen closely, day/night, with no noise in your home, you can probably hear them talking and laughing as they stand around the “new trap” you placed to catch them. This is when you “go negative” on the cute little creatures and look for any way you can to eliminate the problem. This might trigger violence in your soul you and yours never dreamed possible.
Good luck, no matter how you decide to solve your problem.

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doulie says:

September 27, 2020 at 12:20 pm Copy Link of a Comment

I can assure you after you have tried to eliminate your squirrels the “humane way” for a couple months, you will evolve into a “serial squirrel murderer.” Squirrel’s are very intelligent. If you catch one you should go buy a lottery ticket on the same day. I’m almost certain they have a network across the country that relays all the different ways someone has tried to eliminate them. This is what makes it very difficult to catch/trap them. Leaving lights on in the affected area simply makes it easier for them to find what they need for food or their nest. Also, using strobe lights, peanut butter, moth balls spread in the attic, etc., etc., is generally useless. If you listen closely, day/night, with no noise in your home, you can probably hear them talking and laughing as they stand around the “new trap” you placed to catch them. This is when you “go negative” on the cute little creatures and look for any way you can to eliminate the problem. This might trigger violence in your soul you and yours never dreamed possible.
Good luck, no matter how you decide to solve your problem.

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