By Roger the Scanner Guy
Once upon a time, I worked as a Security Guard. There really is not much to being a security guard, not at that time anyway it might be different now. For me, it was to observe and report unless I was working a party, or in a bar then it was being a bouncer though I really did not have to do much. Being big and tall a lot of the time me and other guards would get into a little mischief. After all most of the time when guarding in the overnight hours there was not much to do.
I was working Gregg Motors which is now Santa Barbara Auto Group, this was back in 1988-89. The parking garage was just being built, there was the garage and foundation but nothing else yet. There was some construction equipment around, me and my partner was mostly guarding the cars in the lots around the auto dealership. They consisted of BMW’s, Mercedes, a Hummer, a used Rolls or two. Our security company vehicles were used to block entrances, both us guards had our own vehicles. I had a 1983 Celebrity (pos) my partner had a 1980 Mustang. On this night I had a bad case and had to use the Porta-Potty. I made the almost fatal mistake of telling my partner where I would be then I went. There is no light in Porta Potties at night so if you want to read it’s always good to carry a flashlight though on this night I had a little light from a street lamp. I was in there a few moments when I heard my partner’s car startup. He was driving around the buildings instead of walking so he could watch both sides while I did my business. I heard him drive by then he hit the brakes squealing the tires a bit then I heard the vehicle going in reverse, it was getting louder and louder just at the last second I thought, I hoped. He backed into the porta-potty then revved up the engine tipping the SONOFABITCH!!!! But partway up his car got stuck the exhaust pipe almost breaking through the crack in the door, the little structure filling up with exhaust. I could not breathe this was it I WAS GOING TO DIE IN A FRIGGEN PORTA POTTY!!! I was screaming at the top of my lungs, but he didn’t stop he kept it up. I grabbed my 2-way radio and screamed the “F” Word along with “Your killing me!” into mushed gibberish. He went forward a bit then backed up again trying to tip the damn thing. The crap splashed out of the bowl and I was drenched with crap and piss and I thought if I ever get out of this damn thing I was going to kill that little Bass Turd! Suddenly he went forward unblocking the door I pushed open the door in time to see him gunning the accelerator throwing up dirt and rocks. I was still gagging from the exhaust. It was funny but a miracle I lived through the exhaust being pumped through that shit house. I had to go home shower and change then I went back to work that night, after all, I had to pay my Partner back and I did…HERE are YOUR SCANNER REPORTS.
Scanner Reports, Wednesday:
- Mason at Alisos vehicle vs Bicyclist injuries.
- Transient starting a warming fire x2 twice off Highway One in Lompoc 40 feet off the Road Medic engine 34 responded twice for a smoke investigation.
- Premises check 300 Block of West Alamar.
- Premises check SB public library 40 East Anapamu.
- Suspicious Subject WMA Blond hair trench coat was on a roof, near Coast Village Road and Hot Springs.
- Cops Project premises check 12 Ashley Avenue.
- Med call 227 East Anapamu.
- SBPD on a Group 700 Block of Kimball.
- Gas Odor outside Ross Dress for less.
- Medical call Milpas at Cacique street Premises checks 800 and 900 Blocks of Cacique.
- Missed address but there was a forced eviction in Lompoc and the resident did not want to leave so they barricaded themselves in the residence then hid in the attic. The reason I know about all this is the SO knew it too not only did the resident get evicted I’m pretty sure they got another place to stay right away.
- Traffic stop white Toyota 400 Block of Olive street.
- Premises check Earl Warren Showgrounds.
- Premises check Highway 101 Northbound Haley street on ramp.
- Premises check Jewish Center 524 Chapala street.
- Lazy Acres Premises check 302 Meigs Road for panhandlers in the parking lot.
- 5150pc AMR response stage for SBSO 315 Camino Del Remido.
- Vehicle vs Pedestrian 1300 Block of Bradley at the Elks Lodge Santa Maria.
- Possible gas leak in a QAD Building on Innovation Place in Summerland.
- 242pc 1200 Block of San Andres.
- 5150pc Rear of the County Jail 4436 Calle Real.
- Medical call on Oceanview.
- 500 Block of State street Overdose.
- 20 North Quarantina campers in the underpass blocking the sidewalk.
- 245pc With a Glass male hit a female 719 Paseo Nuevo C.P.K.
Scanner Reports, Thursday
- Probation Check 800 Block of East Figueroa.
- 602pc Trespasser High School Student was on SBJr High property for a brief period of time possibly with a stun gun last seen Milpas at Ortega
- SBPD on a subject Bohnett Park
- Premises check in the 400 Block of Chapala street
- On a group 200 Block of East Cota
- Traffic stop 700 Block of East Gutierrez on a white jeep with Illinois license plates.
- Premises check East Side Library.
- On Foot Patrol in the 1100 Block of East Montecito street
- 415pc Transient male yelling 3900 Block of State street
- Grand Theft investigation at PATH 816 Cacique, on a possible Suspect 900 Block of Cacique.
- Subject in the roadway 3200 Block of State street.
- 594pc Vandalism Skaters Point.
- Hotel Californian 36 State street Fire Alarms, no Fire.
- Motorcyclist Down blocking lanes Highway 101 Northbound at Turnpike.
- Drunk Driver 23152pc 609 East Haley in Catholic Charities Parking lot a white Nissan
- 459 Burglary investigation 900 Block of Chapala
- Elevator Rescue 905 Chapala street
- Premises check 300 Block of Old Coast Highway
- Fire Alarms no Fire 2200 Block of Stanwood
- Fall victim Lake Cachuma space 4 Medical call
- 415pc Female yelling in front of the Post Office 836 Anacapa
- Sexual Battery occurred on the East Side investigation at the Police Station Down Town
- Premise check Chick Fil A, Parking Lot
- 5150pc Transport UCPD, UCSB from building 556.
- 911 Hang Up no answer on Call Back Santa Barbara Silly Hall 735 Anacapa.
- Injury traffic accident Truck vs Pedestrian Montecito at Milpas streets.
- 300 Block of Castillo street illegal burn.
- Naked Guy Suspicious Shoreline Park Stairs or the Beach gotta watch where you get naked it’s illegal.
So that is about it for me today I have been itching to tell that story about the Porta Potty been thinking about the things we used to do working security. I did my job for Six Dollars and Fifty cents an Hour but I had fun too after I left the job my Partner started stealing cars and going on Joy Rides and some of you might recall his 15 Minutes of Fame on Good Morning America, Oh the Good Old Days. Anyway on WEDnesday Evening I had an extra blanket so I took a walk around the corner came up behind a guy and offered him the blanket. I think he thought I was going to rob him he was relieved when I handed him a bag with the blanket inside he God Blessed me a few times I’ll take all the Blessings I can Get. Good Karma I found some cash I had lost and went next door to Jalisco and scored two Lonches on special for twelve bucks now I have 2 Special Days to go there Taco Tuesday 3 Taco’s for five bucks, and THURSdays They don’t judge me for not having any teeth. It’s nice to be Loved just the way I Yam….Will have a Wonderful Weekend..Peter, Molly, Belinda, Midnight, Merlin, Angel Baby, Pooh Bear, Lola, PoPo, Shadow, FREDDIE!,Maxwell, and Liza, Tom Cat, Clancy, Tomicina, Tiger, Tiny, Andy, Fish Heads One and Two, Poncho, Denny, Zeke, Jerry, Walter, Fred, Jonathan, C.J., Brad, Billy, Carl, Stan, Kent, ELMO, Patrick, Christy, Diana, Jim, Ross, Rambo, Sherry, Eddie, Bambi, Lafayette, Ted, Mark, Willie, Bengie, Ricky, Pat, Mavis, Mrs. MacArthur, Auntie Helen, Bommy, Poppy, June, Muskie, Magruder, Don, Edwin, Cory, Crazy Ed, David Cox, Po, Marty, Cop John, Debbie, Ken, Isabelle, Jerry, LUCY!, STOBE THE HOBO, KFC, John Hancock, Micky Mantle, Ernie Banks, Ron Santo, John Havlick, Little Mac, Tom Petty and Chris Willing we will see you on MONday-MONday…Later, Roger