New “Gull Lanes” promise fewer fry-related fly-bys near Stearns Wharf
In a bold new effort to reduce wing–foot misunderstandings along Cabrillo Boulevard, the Department of Avian Affairs announced today that Santa Barbara will pilot the region’s first Seagull Crosswalks.
The pilot, slated for the stretch along Cabrillo Blvd near State Street and the Stearns Wharf entrance, features pint‑sized “Gull Lanes” stenciled with biodegradable breadcrumb paint and crosswalk signals that swap the usual “WALK” icon for a single golden french fry.
“Seagulls are valued pedestrians with wings,” said Acting Deputy Director of Avian Affairs, Al B. Tross, flanked by a sign reading Caw-Tion. “With clear right-of-way, we anticipate a 42% reduction in airborne side-eye and a dramatic improvement in snack-sharing etiquette.”
How it works
- Signals: A glowing fry means “go,” while a closed takeout box indicates “stop.” A rare “double fry” denotes school-flock hours.
- Sound: At dusk, a low-profile “caw-tion” chirp reminds gulls to yield to sunset photographers.
- Enforcement: Volunteer “crossing beaks” will gently gesture with biodegradable spatulas. No tickets, just tsk-tsks.
“A lot of conflicts start at the interface of stroller wheels and opportunistic beaks,” explained Senior Flight Planner Mina Bird. “Designating space for brief, respectful loitering should keep both parties from escalating to the dreaded food-snatch.”
Future expansions
If successful, the city’s avian planners may:
- Install pigeon roundabouts downtown to reduce midair honking.
- Add “Yield to Pelicans” signage near the Harbor during splashy landings.
- Pilot a “No Perching Except Loading” zone atop particularly expressive bronze statues.
Community participation
Readers are encouraged to submit photos of any orderly “gull queues” forming near the new striping—bonus points for wide-brim hats, waffle cones, or dramatic ocean backdrops.
The best shot will receive a limited-edition “I Brake for Beaks” sticker and one (1) symbolic bread crumb.
Frequently asked questions
- Will gulls press the button? Researchers report a promising peck rate when the button is scented with a hint of ketchup.
- What about the marine layer? Fog horns will be set to “inside voice” during crossing cycles.
- Are these crosswalks ADA-compliant? Absolutely—All Downy Avifauna.
Click here for more photos of renderings and submissions to the city’s planning department
April Fools! There are no seagull crosswalks, Gull Lanes, or fry signals. Thanks for playing along, Santa Barbara—now back to your regularly scheduled waterfront strolls, fries held high and hats secured.
Good one, Edhat! Happy April Fool’s Day!
April Fools🤣
How gullible do you think Santa Barbarans are? Remember the old saying, “Santa Barbarans are smarter than they look!”
Sadly, in today’s California…this could be a real article (see: $114M wildlife crossing)
sadly? the wildlife crossings have been installed and will be installed throughout the state. we have encroached on their land, they need a safe passage over and under the massive amounts of freeways we have laid down. these pathways allow safe travel for wildlife.
Or would you prefer they all just get hit by trucks and go extinct? Sadly, your post is pretty awful.
My all-time favorite April Fool’s prank was pulled off by the BBC in 1957:
https://youtu.be/8scpGwbvxvI
Thank you for the link! I saw this many years ago and had no idea where it came from. Thanks! I do agree that there is nothing like home-grown spaghetti.