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Teen Advice
updated: Sep 14, 2012, 2:27 PM

By Edhat Subscriber

This is not news- I am asking for the Edhat community's help.

My good friend has a teenage son that in the last year has basically turned into a teenager, but worse. He is verbally abusive to both parents. He is a talented athlete and musician but is now more interested in being a stoner and basically does nothing. He will even steal from his own family. He is physically bigger than his parents as well. I know many would say "kick his butt out" etc. But I told my friend I'd write Edhat and ask if any parents who understand that unconditional love isn't always fun, have any advice as far as programs, counselors, shipping to Colorado, etc. Has anyone seen anything that works? We do not want to add to the downtown beggar/punk scene... Thank you in advance.

Comments in order of when they were received | (reverse order)

COMMENT 320033P	2012-09-14 02:55 PM
Dr. Iona Tripathi, a pediatric psychiatrist, worked wonders on my troubled teen. Best wishes to all, it's a tough road.
COMMENT 320041	2012-09-14 03:09 PM
"Shipping to Colorado" is NOT the answer. When I was a rotten teenager I was constantly shipped off to many different places, foster homes, hospitals, boot camps etc. You know what it taught me? That my parents were cruel. I was unruly and did all the the things you listed. When I was shipped away I just did those things somewhere else. No one ever asked me why I was acting out. Perhaps someone should sit down, look this boy in the face and say, "how have I let you down"? I realize it isnt always the parents fault, however, if you have a loving home where you truly spend time with your kids, they usually reciprocate. No kid is perfect, but if you ignore your child, drink to much, work to much and act like a jerk with your ex, then you WILL have teenager problems. One more thing, I am a teacher and a home day care operator. The majority of the parents I come across are simply not doing a good job or anywhere close to it. The number one biggest issue is neglect.
COMMENT 320046	2012-09-14 03:15 PM
edhat isnt the place to get answers for these questions.
COMMENT 320048	2012-09-14 03:16 PM
Take it from a former troubled teen, all that formal treatment stuff won't work. Adults don't ask the right questions. There is a reason for his/her behaviour and you need to find out what it is. Mine was an early sexual molestation. I kept it to myself, rebelled against everydamn thing, and ultimately ended up in prison. Prison saved me from ending up dead. I ultimately straightened up, but the damage was done and it is permanent. Get help now and get better advise than edhat. NOW. Before it's too late. I mean NOW.
COMMENT 320055	2012-09-14 03:21 PM
I agree with #041 -- neglect and not actually opening doors or expanding horizons for kids who exhibit talent and/or interest in particular areas so that they are bored and/or left to wonder where they fit in the world are two major factors that contribute to the behavior you describe. Talent needs an outlet. Remember the parent who opened the Living Room so kids would have a place for their bands to play and to hang out? That's the kind of dedication it takes when you have a kid that is asking, "Is this all there is?" Boredom will absolutely find an outlet and without luck or guidance boredom generally won't produce positive outcomes.
COMMENT 320059	2012-09-14 03:31 PM
There is no one size fits all to solving issues like these. The number of disorders and variables at play that affect us throughout life are endless. I've had conflicts my mom for the past few years, and hold a lot of resentment for the way she yelled at me as a child, often times for very small things. Sometimes doctors work, sometimes they don't. I feel that if I have kids and they start smoking weed, I'd just be honest with them. I wouldn't do what my parents did and simply say its bad. Having quit a few years ago, I see now how it affected my mood and temperment. Unless they can make the teenager see this, its going to be tough. I also ask that they really think about the decision if meds become an option. I've never had good experiences with family who has been on meds, and I really think there are better alternatives than a quick fix pill to make the kid manageable.
COMMENT 320064	2012-09-14 03:40 PM
046 - I disagree - category is under "Open Forum" for a reason.
COMMENT 320069	2012-09-14 03:46 PM
Read Kahil Gibran's "The Prophet" first and then engage in the full dynamic of the problem as you see it.
ROGER DODGER	2012-09-14 03:48 PM
The 12-Steps of AA, a caring S.B. Cop, and alot of other good people through the years helped me. The 12-Steps are not just for Alcohol.
COMMENT 320075	2012-09-14 04:00 PM
Inter-family communication is a tough one. There have to be some therapists in town that specialize in teenage issues. Maybe one that works with the juvies and so knows what works with them. If the therapist can help the parents figure out what patterns got them to this point then maybe they can figure out a way out of the mess. Sometimes it seems like it is as simple as who they hang out with, if they are bad influences it ends up badly, and it is very difficult to control who they chose to hang out with. I guess if they were taught good values early on, then maybe they can have faith that they will come around and become good adults later on.
COMMENT 320097P	2012-09-14 04:35 PM
Be very careful if you choose to send your child to a psychotherapist. They are often skilled at "disassembling" the child to get at the root causes of the anger but completely inept at putting the child back together after the investigation. Be sure to get a solid reccomendation from several unrelated people - like a teacher, doctor, clergy, probation officer, etc before making your selection. And whatever you do, keep your child away from Susan Wax, Ph.D. She has a very angry teen of her own and is a terrible person. Good luck to you and your friends.
COMMENT 320103P	2012-09-14 04:38 PM
I would start by talking to his counselor at school and see if they have any suggestions for where to get help.
COMMENT 320109P	2012-09-14 04:49 PM
A mentor - find someone he looks up to and allow them time to bond and work out issues. Obviously this is general advice give for free, based on a very general description of your friend's problem. Your friends have to determine the best course of action but often times an outsider is better suited to point out the obvious to a teenager than their own parents.
COMMENT 320117	2012-09-14 05:01 PM
Church group.
COMMENT 320136	2012-09-14 05:31 PM
While Dr. Tripathi was helpful for our family as well, I would also recommend Alan Bleiman. He works wonders with teen boys. He has a no nonsense style that is quickly respected by teens and casual office space that immediately puts patients (and parents) at ease. Hugs to your friend. Parenting teens can be very tough sometimes.
COMMENT 320160	2012-09-14 06:22 PM
Google 'Grizzly Youth Academy of California.' Run by the National Guard the program has "saved" a troubled teen I know.
COMMENT 320197	2012-09-14 07:57 PM
watch an entire day of 'COPS' and 'Intervention'. If the parents are afraid of this cherub, maybe he needs a chat regarding elder abuse in all its forms. Is he still in school? Is he intelligent? Freeweights, La Playa, basketball league. Parents are the bosses here, right?
COMMENT 320218	2012-09-14 08:29 PM
depression, lack of friends, smokes pot, other drugs, school sucks, i hate my parents , i hate life, bored..ex...Is this what you are seeing? If so post more op and i can help you .
COMMENT 320267P	2012-09-15 03:25 AM
Move out of California.
COMMENT 320270P	2012-09-15 06:08 AM
Outward Bound, taught by British SAS, taught me there were bigger forces to overcome than rebelling against my parents, friends, or authority figures. Do they still have that program? I know it's probably out of place nowadays wher everything is psychoanalyzed to death, but it really worked for me and thousands of others. Made us deal with our problems and learn what we are really capable of, really, not just told a bunch of words.
COMMENT 320291	2012-09-15 07:31 AM
Try an incredible therapist. Joseph Dalton. He's young, and works with troubled youths..Incredible gift of spirit and knowledge. 805 705 1762
COMMENT 320298	2012-09-15 07:46 AM
Unconditional love works, but it often involves a stint in jail/camp imposed by the tough love folks. My son was a hellion (and this kid sounds like a cc of him) and ended up spending - in several doses - about 1 1/2 yrs in juvie/county jail. He is now a loving, happy, educated, productive 23-yr-old. What happened? Well, since his high crimes & misdemeanors were not violent, he was institutionalized with ordinary criminal guys...who actually straightened him out by delivering the message that he did not have to end up like them. In the end, my son realized that they were right, that he indeed did NOT want to keep playing this stupid game. How long? Trouble started big in 10th grade (age 15) and lasted until he was 20. That's a long time. Lots of pain. But, for me, the pain was worth it. I did not become his executioner... I am still his dear dad. No easy solution. Hang in there. Peace.
COMMENT 320308	2012-09-15 08:00 AM
A supportive family context that knows how to respond makes a world of difference. However, the responses that come intuitively to parents aren't all that effective. We need re-training, and we also need to hang in there. So get informed. First, read up on 'oppositional defiant disorder'. Teens have to re-learn behaviors. Parents help when we re-learn some of our own. Then, for general teen issues, two teen parenting books I HIGHLY recommend: Michael Bradley, _Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy: Loving Your Kid without Losing Your Mind_. Chap Clark and Steve Rabey, _When Kids Hurt_: Help for Navigating the Adolescent Maze_. Our church was a rock of support, with lots of people who had been through it themselves.
COMMENT 320312	2012-09-15 08:01 AM
Be a good parent earlier next time!
COMMENT 320313	2012-09-15 08:04 AM
First of all, you might want to determine if he is using drugs and if he is, this will help to shape whatever course you take from there. Drug and alcohol use for a teen can mean big trouble is coming soon. If he's driving under the influence then the concern is not just for his safety but also for the safety of others. Run, don't walk, to the Family Service Agency of Santa Barbara and get yourselves and your son into therapy immediately—the whole family needs to be involved. This is not just about your "troubled" son. It's about you and your parenting and your entire family dynamic, family history, alcohol use, genetics, boundaries, etc. It's time to quit thinking of your son as "troubled" and start accepting responsibility for being part of a "troubled" family in crisis.
COMMENT 320323P	2012-09-15 08:19 AM
Sounds like a kid we knew 5 or 6 years ago. He got in all kinds of trouble: teachers and others stuck out their necks for him; counselors tried to help but he just shined them on; grandparents did their bit; he still wound up on probation for all the usual stupid stuff. He was abusive with a "gimme" attitude; also very manipulative, which meant people ended up being wary of helping. It didn't help that he had a learning disability and had struggled with that since grade school, also a chaotic home life (with no Dad). Now he's in junior college and has straightened out a lot, but still struggles a bit with impulse control and the residue of all his early screw ups, but time should help with the latter. It's a fact that the impulse control parts of the brain don't kick in until the early 20s. A good (male?) therapist could help, if you can get him to go. Don't despair. It can look really bad at times, but that doesn't mean it will end badly.
COMMENT 320328	2012-09-15 08:41 AM
Don R. MacMannis, Ph.D. Family Therapy Institute (805) 882-2424 x 102 specializes in teenage boy problems.Teens act out for all kinds of reasons. There need to be guidelines at home which have natural consequences. No verbal abuse at home is acceptable. When hormones hit, they can really change a boy. Outward Bound has a troubled teen section which has great results; teaches self-reliance. If applied for early, there can be financial assistance. Get him off pot to see if there is an underlying personality disorder. AA, CA, NA all help and he can find one that works for him. Doing this all now is essential because once he turns 18, they can't make him do anything. Unconditional love needs real world help and tools. One outdoors interventionist's card said," Hell is waking up to reality too late". Act now before he is lost. Help him find his real gifts and talents and work towards goals.
FLICKA	2012-09-15 09:30 AM
046, why isn't this the place to ask questions? I see some excellent, intellegent responses here, more than possible to get asking a few friends.
COMMENT 320472P	2012-09-15 01:20 PM
Personal true story - my 15 year old son had taken to staying out all night (amongst other trying behavior). Whenever he came in the door after such a night, I laid into him rather harshly. He would stomp to his room, slam the door and not come out for hours. One morning, I felt totally compelled to not react in that way. When he came in the door, I wrapped my arms around him and said, "I am so glad you are home. I love you so much." He looked at me with shock, walked quietly to his room and softly closed the door. Within a few minutes he came back out and, with tears streaming down his face, said, "Oh mom, I'm so sorry. I'll never do that again." And he didn't! Not to say that this was the end of our problems, but it was a turning point in his behavior and my approach. Concentrate on the positive, overlook as much of the negative as possible. Let consequences happen while standing by him always. Love the kid! Just love the kid!
COMMENT 320595	2012-09-15 08:17 PM
Useful read for you may be "Hold on to your kids". can be found at the Santa Barbara Public Library. Best wishes that this resolves.
COMMENT 320714P	2012-09-16 10:11 AM
dont give up!
COMMENT 321072P	2012-09-17 11:39 AM
i was that teenager, i don't know why i resented my parents so much. i moved out when i was 17, my parents were still supportive, the judgment subsided a bit and then one day, like 472P's story, i came home and just let it all out and wanted to change for the better. i don't know why, but something finally snapped. i'm 29 now, a college grad, self supported and have a great relationship with my folks. best of luck.

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