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Marriage Counselor
updated: Sep 10, 2012, 8:08 AM

My spouse and I are looking for an experienced and skilled marriage counselor to help us after years of poor communication skills. There must be some good therapists but we hardly know where to look.

Places People Are Talking About:

Clark Elliott

Claudia Crawford

Dr. Ruth Westheimer

What People Are Saying:

COMMENT 318200	2012-09-10 08:11 AM
Ask your spouse!
COMMENT 318202P	2012-09-10 08:17 AM
Have you spoke to your minister, priest, or rabbi? Good luck to you and your wife and hope you can work it out.
EZ2	2012-09-10 08:17 AM
Keith Whitt
COMMENT 318204	2012-09-10 08:17 AM
Start with some of those new K-Y products now advertised on TV. May not need a therapist's help!
COMMENT 318206	2012-09-10 08:21 AM
Beware - some marriage counselors mess up people's lives worse than ever..... Try good old horse sense. If you know something's wrong there usually is, find out what, fix it or move on. Painful at first but it works.
COMMENT 318210	2012-09-10 08:23 AM
Dr. Russell Collins!
ROB EGENOLF	2012-09-10 08:34 AM
Michael Seabaugh is smart, empathetic, creative and a great human (and in the interest of full disclosure, a good friend too!).
COMMENT 318216	2012-09-10 08:36 AM
dr. lisa cosentino. 564-1999. she rocks. best of luck to you!
COMMENT 318220	2012-09-10 08:45 AM
Candice Etz 805-455-5225 or Cynthia Hale 805-509-3095
COMMENT 318222P	2012-09-10 08:51 AM
I don't have any specific endorsement although I've had experiences with several. Could definitely tell you some names to avoid. It really is a mixed bag out there. There are many people, usually women, who get into this field later in life and there is sometimes a detectable agenda at work (see comment 206) . There are so many people in this field in the SB area, something I've always wondered about. My advice: Check w your insurance provider to see who, if any, is covered--could be a factor. Check the educational background and credentials of anyone whom you choose. There are certain "philosophies" clearly at work based on where some one received his or her training. Also, ask around for opinions among friends--it is a small town. Finally, after a meeting or two, if there appear to be problems re approach, methodology etc., don't hesitate to bail and try someone else. There's no shortage of MFTs in SB, that's for sure. The person whom you choose needs to be on both of your sides mediating things, not adding to already existing drama. Learned that the hard way.
COMMENT 318225	2012-09-10 08:54 AM
Harrys of joes for dinner every Wednesday worked for us....cost less and the memories are still with us .......
COMMENT 318231	2012-09-10 09:06 AM
There are snarky comments, some funny, some stupid. Then there are direct, to the point comments with good info (I count 5 in this thread). Then there are rambling, long-winded comments which are absolutely useless, such as 222P's. I count 189 words of pure, useless fluff. Thanks for your input, 222P.
COMMENT 318237	2012-09-10 09:16 AM
I would suggest, no matter who the two of you choose, that you both agree. You also should go into therapy agreeing, that if either of you feel that the therapist is not a fit, then you find someone else. If you don't agree on the therapist, if it seems one sided, then it won't be a benefit to you or your marriage.
COMMENT 318238	2012-09-10 09:17 AM
Thanks for YOUR input, 231. Helpful!
COMMENT 318239P	2012-09-10 09:20 AM
231: A local LMFT whom I've offended? See, I'm keeping it short and to the point. You're welcome.
COMMENT 318241	2012-09-10 09:21 AM
231..unofficial tabulator...usefulness...zero......however..an excellent counter.
COMMENT 318249	2012-09-10 09:28 AM
I agree with 222 that you should interview 2 or 3 therapists to find someone you both feel comfortable with.
COMMENT 318252	2012-09-10 09:33 AM
Captain Morgan and Dr. Stolichnaya worked for my wife and me!
COMMENT 318255P	2012-09-10 09:36 AM
Bizarre, or should I say contentious, even for Edhat. What is up, 231?! I think 222 gave useful, well-considered and well-written information and feedback, especially after OP said "...we hardly know where to look." No couples/marital counselor recommendation here, but I wholly agree both partners must have a rapport and comfort with, and a respect for, any therapist.
COMMENT 318260P	2012-09-10 09:41 AM
OH MY GOSH! 231 and 222 ARE the couple! (just kidding, sorry, sick joke. Or ... ? bwaa ha ha)
COMMENT 318261	2012-09-10 09:44 AM
22P True. There are unprofessional " counselors " around us who admit they studied Psychology to help them understand the fall out from catastrophic events in their own lives. A bad signal. Some can break the code of professional silence by repeating sensitive personal information about clients, and - a huge no no - refer constantly to problems in their own lives. You are not paying them to let out their frustrations on you! Tell them to see a professional. If you do not see the medical Doctoral degree in Psychiatry or Psychology on the wall - run - and get referrals from your regular M.D,
COMMENT 318277	2012-09-10 10:07 AM
Find someone good and be willing to pay for it - divorce will cost you both much much more (financially and in so many other ways).
SHOREBIRD	2012-09-10 10:33 AM
You are lucky that your spouse agrees to counseling. That is perhaps the BIGGEST first step. Acknowledging that there are problems. I was married to a spouse who refused to go to counseling, saying that the marriage had no problems. That was the beginning of the end.
COMMENT 318292	2012-09-10 10:36 AM
Elizabeth LaCaze in Goleta.
COMMENT 318303	2012-09-10 11:19 AM
It's actually a lot of fun going to a counsler, because it actually give the man a chance to get heard. The wife usually steamrolls the conversation with emotion before the women can actually comprehend what the is man saying.
COMMENT 318313	2012-09-10 11:48 AM
i agree with 303. over the past 25 odd years, we used counselors 3 or 4 times, all at the spouse's request..and all were handpicked by her. it was GREAT to be able to have my side heard in a calm measured manner. i actually enjoyed the sessions. the funny thing was after about 2 months..when the counselor would tell the spouse the things she needed to work on, my spouse immediately lost all interest in going. lol. worked out fine. essentially a sense of humor makes all the difference.
COMMENT 318325	2012-09-10 12:31 PM
I'm sure there are a few good Master's level MFTs in town, but we've tried about 6 or so therapists over the years and the best two we've found are Ph.D. level - Dr. Dan Staso and Dr. Gretchen Burnett. Dr. Staso is excellent and takes more of a neuroscience approach, which we both appreciated. I second (or third?) the idea of "interviewing" potential therapists over the phone or in a 15-minute session, don't be afraid to ask about their methods, background, etc.
COMMENT 318340	2012-09-10 01:13 PM
Dr Louise ousley is excellent!
COMMENT 318351	2012-09-10 01:33 PM
@307 "Do you comprehend what the man is saying?" You made his whole point. I've got enough problems. I hear that the best birth control around is marriage. Or is that therapy to simplified. Start with reading the book " Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" together, then discuss it together. You would have to find time for the therepy anyway; so read the book. The results may surprise both of you. Good for the budget, relationship and reasoning. Got to go... Wife's calling. Hee hee.
COMMENT 318352	2012-09-10 01:33 PM
My husband grunted at me and tried to mimic me in a mean way, I just ran up and tried to suck his face off!
FIRST DISTRICT	2012-09-10 01:54 PM
I expected to see a post from some one recommending Steve Carell. . .
COMMENT 318370	2012-09-10 02:13 PM
303. In this case an experience therapist will cease the session and recommend separate consultations until the wife gets a grip on herself. Prolonged histrionics would be counter productive for everyone.
COMMENT 318375	2012-09-10 02:31 PM
Juliet Betita-Velarde, especially good with cross-cultural couples.
COMMENT 318376	2012-09-10 02:35 PM
Elaine Jacobs MFT, worked well for us. She's in SB.
COMMENT 318377	2012-09-10 02:43 PM
Randy Jaffe, MA MFT (805) 969-2050 1211 Coast Village Rd Santa Barbara, CA 93108 I found him to be very intelligent, intuitive, and quick to cut through the mess and get right to the heart of the matter. Used him several years ago.
COMMENT 318392	2012-09-10 03:16 PM
as Paul Simone's song reads, "There must be, 50 ways to leave your lover..."
COMMENT 318396	2012-09-10 03:44 PM
Believe me, a professional's teeth witl grate together when they hear the following : I "used" Doctor ............
COMMENT 318399	2012-09-10 03:53 PM
Second for Randy Jaffe. Good dude and good at his job. No BS kind of approach, yet very gentle and very intuitive
COMMENT 318409	2012-09-10 04:10 PM
As a therapist, I can tell you that what letters are behind someone's name don't necessarily indicate how skilled they are. There are some terrible therapists with doctorate degrees. It really depends on the person's training and theoretical orientation and how well that fits with your personality and goals. Debra Manchester has a great reputation for working with couples. She is at the Family Therapy Institute.
COMMENT 318438P	2012-09-10 05:56 PM
Clark Elliott he is suppose to be good.
COMMENT 318439	2012-09-10 06:02 PM
Keith Witt.
COMMENT 318443P	2012-09-10 06:40 PM
I am in the counseling business and my wife is in the counseling business and we went to three therapists over the years who were no help at all. And then we found Mark Dunlap and he is incredible, reasonable, thorough and not an arrogant bone. He is the best!
COMMENT 318447P	2012-09-10 06:58 PM
avoid Randy Jaffe, He takes one persons side and advocates for that person. Also he breaks confidentiality...spoke about my situation with another patient of his, and it got back to me. Not an impartial 3rd person at all.
COMMENT 318455	2012-09-10 07:46 PM
The fact that you are looking for a therapist indicates you are both committed to saving your marriage. How about going to some couples retreats and saving yourselves a lot of money and have an enjoyable time while learning skills that will enhance your relationship.
COMMENT 318457	2012-09-10 07:49 PM
Claudia Crawford was great when me and my wife went through a rough patch. A chance to finally clear the air with an impartial moderator. Best money I ever spent and saved my marriage.
COMMENT 318488P	2012-09-10 09:20 PM
No thank you to Randy Jaffe. Very expensive. And you get hear all about how he went to Harvard-not. And that is all on your dollar. Plus his dog Lily is is the center of the therapy. Again on your dollar even if you or your child are not animal lovers. Ineffective therapist and avoid at all costs.
LEAHKING	2012-09-11 07:12 AM
i am a local marriage counselor, working in the sb area for over thirty years, and would be happy to talk with you about who would be the best therapist in town to suit your needs. all the referrals above are good ones. not every client and therapist are a match. a bit of research before hand will ensure that the counseling is most effective. my website is www.karenleahk.com if you wish to be in touch. best of luck to all the struggling couples out there.
COMMENT 318535P	2012-09-11 07:55 AM
Here's a second vote for Claudia Crawford.
LOLA	2012-09-11 08:03 AM
Janey Lucy, she's brilliant! janetklucy@facebook.com
COMMENT 318653P	2012-09-11 01:11 PM
Dr Ruth Westheimer...
COMMENT 341509	2012-11-10 06:51 PM
I recommend two. Eric Young is a Santa Barbara-based counselor at 805-845-5304. He's very kind and specializes in relationships, depression and addiction. Gary Linker is based in Montecito-based counselor, although I think he's also got an office downtown in Santa Barbara too. He's one of the original co-founders of Pacifica and is great.

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