more articles like this

SB Dating Scene
updated: Aug 22, 2012, 3:15 PM

By Edhat Subscriber

Where's a good place for a 40 something divorced dad with kids to meet women? Tired of the bar scene.

Comments in order of when they were received | (reverse order)

COMMENT 311375	2012-08-22 03:19 PM
Sportsman. It's a LOUNGE.
COMMENT 311384	2012-08-22 03:27 PM
Mel's....
COMMENT 311385	2012-08-22 03:27 PM
PTA meetings. Salad bar at Whole Foods. SB Symphony concerts on the lawn. Spearmint Rhino. (just threw that in to see if you were awake).
COMMENT 311389P	2012-08-22 03:30 PM
Dog parks.
COMMENT 311390	2012-08-22 03:31 PM
Tonic.
COMMENT 311391P	2012-08-22 03:33 PM
I know a couple who met while taking a parenting class.
COMMENT 311392	2012-08-22 03:33 PM
Organized hikes with the Sierra Club, classes at the Wake Center, Yoga classes or exercise classes.
COMMENT 311393	2012-08-22 03:35 PM
Corner of State and Ortega around 1:30am Thursday-Saturday
EDHATBARBARA	2012-08-22 03:36 PM
I gotta say that when I divorced at 53, I expected to be on my own from then on out. After three years on my own, a friend talked me into trying match.com which I thought was total hooey. But I was really surprised at how many others in my age bracket were in the same boat and unable to connect other than by hanging out in bars, which was not palatable. Not expecting much, I tried it and had a great time meeting people. I was careful and selective but wound up having some really good experiences and actually met the guy I married almost five years ago (in December)! Bite the bullet and give it a go -- but take some advice: tell the truth in your profile and expect some puffery in the profile of others. Also, do your own choosing, rather than allowing others to choose you. It is flattering to receive contacts, but after you get into using the system, you may find that the best connections are ones that interest you from the beginning rather than ones you accept simply because they are interested in you. Good luck, have fun!!
COMMENT 311395P	2012-08-22 03:42 PM
With a little Googling you can learn more about people whose profiles you see on www.match.com. My favorite was a well-known Santa Barbara man who posted an older photo, claiming to be 56 when he was actually 64.
COMMENT 311405	2012-08-22 03:56 PM
whatever you do, do not look to your co-worker who is 15 years younger and already has a boyfriend. that's just disturbing. true story.
COMMENT 311407	2012-08-22 04:01 PM
Volunteer for a political campaign or community organization that is important to you, and you're likely to meet people with similar values.
COMMENT 311423P	2012-08-22 04:12 PM
Unitarian Church (Society) is a possible good place. Also, I know more than a few married couples (surprisingly happy) who first met on internet dating site.
COMMENT 311426	2012-08-22 04:13 PM
If you were divorced, learn your lesson and stay single. The kids will resent a new spouse and you'll be in the middle of it. Once they're grown you may appreciate the lesson even more.
COMMENT 311427	2012-08-22 04:14 PM
While doing something that you enjoy doing (hiking, swimming, dancing, etc.) Bars are easy to pick people up that are probably a terrible match, whereas doing something you enjoy ensures at least some common ground. May take a little longer, but as stated, if you join groups to do so, a great place to meet people/friends to meet more people.
COMMENT 311431P	2012-08-22 04:16 PM
I'm a widow in my late 50s and recently took a wander through match.com, but it's a bit of barrage of winks, messages, emails and, I think, some "usual suspects" with dubious stats. I stopped short of the paid version and ended up chickening out and hiding my profile. Back to the "on my own" philosophy for me as well. I have a house and a more than full time job, so volunteer work and picking up time-consuming hobbies just to fish is not an option, so maybe I do need to reconsider match.
COMMENT 311434	2012-08-22 04:19 PM
You'd be surprised how many people are using Match. Be open to meeting lots of people and to be amused by how they portray themselves. Above all be honest but not so honest that you sound desperate.... hold back some disclosures for those times when your date is really looking to get to know you better. And don't expect sex on the first date, this is life not a movie.
EDHATBARBARA	2012-08-22 04:28 PM
To women considering trying match.com: I benefited from suggestions and help when I started there and offer the same help to you. Go slowly. An email exchange before phone calls or personal meetings is perfectly acceptable. Meeting at a public place is too. (Starbucks or a smoothie joint is great for a short first meeting.) If you feel overwhelmed, pause awhile. Learn to speak out loud and say that which makes you hesitate -- people on the internet or the telephone cannot read your facial or body language to know when something makes you uncomfortable, so you have to use words. This can be hard for some of us. There will be people who do not tell the truth in their profiles, their email messages, their spoken words. But there will also be people just like you, seeking someone just like you. Stand up for yourself but understand that you don't have to be rude to do it. I once had a man tell me that meeting for coffee was worse than a job interview -- and he was right. I knew in a very few minutes whether a man was someone I was interested in and came to be unwilling to spend much extra time with those in whom I was not interested, regardless of how they may have felt about me. I stopped meeting for meals pretty quickly. No matter how difficult the truth might be to say or hear, it is better than not saying/hearing it. Just remember that if you're delivering it, you could also be receiving it in another similar situation.
COMMENT 311443P	2012-08-22 04:29 PM
@426, I know a family where the children (young teenagers at the time) fell in love with the new spouses and they all consider themselves one big family. My friend always said she wanted to marry a man like her stepdad, as her bio dad was not much of a father to her.
COMMENT 311449P	2012-08-22 04:35 PM
I know a woman who looked everywhere for a date after she kicked out her current guy when she was in her late 60s. She got her teeth capped, a face lift and a trainer. Started studying porn for dating tips. She was on Match, J Date and several more. She considered herself to be an alcoholic but started drinking again on her quest. She ended up marrying a somewhat famous ex-con and getting into dope smoking. Be careful. Don't be desperate.
COMMENT 311450	2012-08-22 04:35 PM
I met my current husband via Match after a divorce. It takes time and patience though, but at least you are meeting people who are also interested in the same.
COMMENT 311451	2012-08-22 04:36 PM
Hey, that Salad Bar at Whole Foods is my idea! Knew I should have trademarked it when I first used it on here last year! Seriously though, Whole Foods is the new hot spot. Or start taking Yoga classes, a hawt chick with a yoga body, can't do much better than that. Best advice, stay single with lots of random women, you did the marriage thing, now be a player and crush a lot so your married guy friends have someone to live vicariously through.
COMMENT 311455	2012-08-22 04:43 PM
Advice... If your new prospective significant other has kids, BEWARE! Make sure you have a good relationship with the kid(s) prior to moving ahead with a serious relationship- If you do not have a REALLY good connection with the kid(s), then MOVE ON! Trust me... it will lead to hardache for the kid, the prospective mate will be playing middleman and you will be dealing with un-needed issues-just sayin
COMMENT 311458	2012-08-22 04:51 PM
Spearmint Rhino.
COMMENT 311463	2012-08-22 05:00 PM
Your kids' school. Get involved and they will find you. You'll have something in common, and why would you want to meet a woman with no kids at this point?
COMMENT 311466	2012-08-22 05:02 PM
Definitely agree on the "activities" - I know a cute couple who are both divorced with kids in hs/college who met playing volleyball on the beach - so happy for them!
COMMENT 311469	2012-08-22 05:04 PM
Craigslist casual encounters
COMMENT 311478	2012-08-22 05:21 PM
Las Vegas!
COMMENT 311499	2012-08-22 05:51 PM
Online is where it's at these days. I would also let friends know you're looking and see what crazy divorcee moms they try and hook you up with!
COMMENT 311521	2012-08-22 06:21 PM
Michael's or the zoo...
COMMENT 311536	2012-08-22 06:52 PM
How old are your kids? When you take them to their various activities don't you see or meet other parents, single moms among them? Make friends with them and meet their friends.
COMMENT 311542P	2012-08-22 07:28 PM
I found my current wife at a dance at the Carrillo Rec center. Walked in, saw her standing and bam, love at first sight. Mind you, it took me weeks and a lot of conjoling from a friend to ask her out but once I did, well as they say the rest is history.
COMMENT 311543	2012-08-22 07:32 PM
A 52 year-young friend of mine met his current GF on match dot com. They seem to be happily together for a few years now. The question is, is it OK for him to date a 28 year-old gal? Friends are split.
COMMENT 311548	2012-08-22 07:42 PM
I think 24 years is a bit of a gap, 543. I think if you're old enough to be someone's parent...
MTNDRIVER	2012-08-22 08:13 PM
Depends on your interests. Adult Ed classes are good places to meet people who share your interests. Yoga classes, churches, Sierra Club hikes, so many possibilities.
COMMENT 311585P	2012-08-22 10:32 PM
What about Parents without Partners?
COMMENT 311593	2012-08-23 06:35 AM
Do things that you enjoy. Have fun. Notice people of the opposite sex who are also having fun doing those things. Smile at them. Talk about what you are doing. Go for a coffee or a smoothie after the activity. Too many people start some activity just to meet someone. Once they catch someone, sometimes they find out that neither of them really likes it and now they have nothing in common.
COMMENT 311594	2012-08-23 06:38 AM
wineries in the funk zone
COMMENT 311595	2012-08-23 06:43 AM
Nite Moves, Wednesday night.
COMMENT 311600	2012-08-23 06:59 AM
SY - A 52-yr-old dating a 28 yr-old with the ultimate intent to marry and possible have kids is a stretch. But if he's only boinking her, then more power to him. Good cardio.
COMMENT 311602	2012-08-23 07:06 AM
I appreciate EDHATBARBARA's suggestion, about match. I think it is a good venue, however follow her advice and especially about being honest or what is the point!
COMMENT 311604	2012-08-23 07:21 AM
I concur with the successful internet daters. After my marriage of 20 years was over, I met my wife on Yahoo. She is bright, beautiful and devoted. I was 42 and had not dated since 18. She was 38 and had been married, divorced, and then in and out of several relationships. I posted the most heartfelt, honest yet romantic ad that I could create. She found me a few days later. We spent a few weeks as platonic friends and few years as l lovers. 6 years later, we are married and have a beautiful child together. I love miy wife and my life. Thanks Yahoo!
COMMENT 311608	2012-08-23 07:41 AM
I was in my 50's, single, and hated the bar scene too. Tired of drunk women and gold diggers. I went to Jonathan and Sylvia's 'swing dance' classes at the rec center and met the love of my life. fun place, sober women ( don't get me wrong I like a drink myself but not slobbering bar drunks). Try it. Worst that happens is that you learn some fun dances and meet some nice people. Go a few sessions, don't give up if there is nobody that is a match right away because new people join all the time. Been married 8 years since then and never been happier. Good luck!
COMMENT 311612P	2012-08-23 07:59 AM
I met my wife on match.com 12 years ago. However, I consider myself very lucky to have met her.
COMMENT 311627P	2012-08-23 08:27 AM
431: have you found widowedvillage.org? nice place. vetted widows of all types ONLY. (not a dating site, but a safe community of folks who "get it") there is some good advice for widows considering dating--check out Supa's blogs on using match.com. another site is 'widows wear stilletos' , also Robin Craig's podcasts. good luck, sister.
COMMENT 311628	2012-08-23 08:28 AM
SB Athletic Club, YMCA workout classes, Adult Ed classes, bookstores, book clubs, Santa Barbara ski club goes on junkets, the Yacht Club, kayaking or sailing lessons, yoga classes, PTA, polo grounds, Night Moves, Sierra Club hikes. Most importantly do what you love and find people who share your interests.
COMMENT 311637	2012-08-23 08:49 AM
Sounds like a lot of the comments suggest classes or activities. Perhaps choose some of your hobbies or interests and find groups that are interested in those. That way when you find someone, you'll already have something in common you both enjoy and will want to continue doing together. You can't get this at a bar unless you love the bar scene for the social aspect and the alcohol or you both love drinking...
COMMENT 311639	2012-08-23 08:50 AM
OP here...wow, thanks so much for the honest responses. To be honest, after I posted, I thought I'd get far more snarky comments. Again, thanks...being recently divorced has been tough, adjusting to the loneliness, life without seeing my kids everyday, and the knowledge that the ex has lost weight and is out living it up on my dime.
COMMENT 311658	2012-08-23 09:23 AM
This is the million dollar question! I think the best way is to throw yourself into your interests as well as trying new activities! There's the Painted Cabernet on State Street where they have art classes and serve wine. I bet the odds would be in your favor :) But if you're spending your free time doing social activities that are fulfilling, your confidence will increase, you will feel happier any lonely thoughts won't have time to creep in AND you don't even realize how you increase your attractiveness to women :) Also, doing match or something similar is good. If you do online, I recommend not doing a free site - do something that requires a subscription of some kind.
COMMENT 311666	2012-08-23 09:33 AM
I can't IMAGINE a single man in his 40's having problems meeting a woman in THIS town. There are 3 women to every man here... honestly! I've never seen such a draught. Sure, there a single men in their 40's and 50's in SB, but they are either drunks, big players who love younger women, or that SB phenomenon of the adult male who goes back home to live at the parent's house. It's just sad. SLIM PICKENS! I wish you the best of luck, sir! ... there are a ton of decent ladies here, (way too many) And may I give you MY number?
COMMENT 311670	2012-08-23 09:37 AM
@666 (yikes, bad number), sure!
COMMENT 311684	2012-08-23 10:05 AM
Church. You won't have to worry about the woman's values, ethics or morality.
COMMENT 311699	2012-08-23 10:27 AM
Agree with 670...join a singles group at the church of your choice. If you are a decent person, and it sounds like you are, you really won't have trouble meeting women in SB, they will be trying to meet you. Good for you for staying away from the bar scene....losers and alcoholics in those places. I agree with getting involved in different activities that you enjoy and try new ones. You mention your wife lost weight, if you are not in good shape make that one of your goals. Be healthy, have a good attitude, don't hold resentment or grudges against your ex and just be the best you can be and you will be surprised how many women you attract! Good luck!
COMMENT 311714	2012-08-23 10:49 AM
how cute are you? I have a single daughter...with kids..and very very beautiful
COMMENT 311720	2012-08-23 10:58 AM
@666 is right on target! My poor single friends....
COMMENT 311747P	2012-08-23 11:41 AM
Try meetup.com
COMMENT 311764	2012-08-23 12:20 PM
@684 - I'm guessing you're being sarcastic, right? Because we all know that we never have to worry about the character of religious people...like priests, for example.
COMMENT 311766	2012-08-23 12:21 PM
Volunteer groups or how about local church???
COMMENT 311807	2012-08-23 02:11 PM
Living it up on the Ex's dime is a Santa Barbara tradition. The best advice is never to go woman hunting anywhere where you don't want to spend a lot of time over the course of your life. So if you aren't that religious, stay away from church. If you like to drink now and again, don't give up the bar scene so quickly. And never use Match / other online dating services if you are really desperate for a date. Goes along the same lines as eating a decent meal before going shopping at the grocery store.
COMMENT 311808	2012-08-23 02:13 PM
Why people want to include the government in their love life I have no idea. Just love each other. And if it doesn't work out you part ways and move on with your life. Instead you divorce and battle over money and things. People are sadistic. Live life simply and you'll be happy.
COMMENT 311834	2012-08-23 03:58 PM
Thanks all! Sounds like there are a few of 'us' out there. 456-9109
COMMENT 311916	2012-08-23 08:42 PM
Not divorced or single and thankful for that. I am encouraged by most of the comments here but again with the Priest crap ? Not all Priests are pedophiles just like not all cops eat .doughnuts. Such horrible stereotypes! Here is my advice. Stop looking. I met my husband after I had decided that I was just going to do my own thing. Last thing on my mind was meeting someone. Now that I have been married for a very long time I wish I could take some time for myself again. Kids are awesome as is having a partner who loves you and supports you no matter what. But spend the time to find you again ad everything else will fall into place.
COMMENT 314096	2012-08-29 06:35 PM
Your wife is slimmer now and living it up on your dime? Sounds like you are NOT READY for any kind of relationship---not until you get through the anger part of your divorce and have moved onto the acceptance stage. Otherwise, women will sense your hostility toward females and RUN the other way. Now is a really good time for some wholesome work on yourself. I.e., time for some self-improvement and character building. I advise you to try some sort of volunteer work. Work on some political issue, or for a candidate's election. Or something along the lines of beach clean-ups, animal shelter work. You will meet loads of women, and one will be the right match-----WHEN you are ready.

24% of comments on this page were made by Edhat Community Members.

*** 2 comments were deleted from this thread by the Edhat Board Nanny for violating Edhat Comments Board policy. Click Here to see them.