High On Life
by Nicole Freire
Yes, it's a lawnmower in a tree. There's a story behind it, I just don't know what it is.
Here's a good story though.
Yesterday I was white-knuckling my way through another headache, courtesy of my lack of graceful movement last week (remember me and the bathroom door? Your columnist gave herself a concussion!). I tried every remedy I could think of - over the counter and off the shelf. I was starting to get a little desperate. Maybe a Dixon Ticonderoga in the right eye? Then someone suggested a cup of coffee.
I haven't had coffee for almost 8 months now. But as I was thinking about sticking a pencil in my eye to dull the pain, it seemed reasonable. So I had some. Just a little. Half a cup. Stale and burnt, with a splash of half and half.
15 minutes later I texted Ed (Ed loves to text. I bet you didn't know that).
"I JUST HAD COFFEE! FIRST CUP IN MONTHS! IS THIS STUFF LEGAL?"
Ed texted me back right away. "Yes. Yes it is."
"I THINK I'M LEVITATING!"
Ed texted me again. "I'd like to see a picture of that."
I started to fish around in the garbage can for the empty paper cup.
My phone dinged. Another text from Ed.
"Of you levitating. Not the cup."
"HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS GETTING THE CUP OUT OF THE GARBAGE? ARE YOU PSYCHIC?"
I understand that many people around the globe start their days off with coffee. Heck, some end their days with coffee.
What sort of insanity is this?
Clearly it's a mind-altering substance with powerful side effects.
Either it's a heavy and dangerous drug or it's an elixir made from the tears of angels and strained through fine linen made of starlight and threads from the manes of unicorns.
I can't decide if I should dip my toe back into the coffee world.
Maybe people with hamster-like brains and anxiety issues and a predilection for klutzy home accidents can't handle coffee.
Especially if they can text Ed in all caps.
"ED! ED! ARE YOU STILL THERE?"
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Nicole Freire is a freelance writer who lives in Santa Barbara.