From High To Low
by Nicole Freire

Another Picture of Nicole's Feet

I realize that this is probably the third or fourth picture accompanying my column that features my feet.

But I'm here to talk about your feet, not mine. My photograph is merely an example, the "Do" portion of the article. I'm not including any photograph that shows the "Don't" portion.

Check out the picture below -- are those not freaky looking succulents? I found these at Terra Sol, one of my favorite places to buy pretty violas and pansies. I always carry my camera because I might stumble across something like this. They're quite small, about the size of a cherry tomato. I can't think who would buy them; they look just like alien eggs.

Anyway, I'm choosing to talk about feet today because my psyche is tired (as is yours too, I'm guessing) of thinking about my house burning down and what I would take.

I don't know what your list looks like, but here's what I have packed and ready to go:

1. 15 disks that I finally backed up my 5,037 photographs onto, thus freeing up my hard drive and ensuring that my family's digital documented life won't be lost.

2. My dear friend's external hard drive, containing every photograph she ever took. She gave it to me for safekeeping while she was out of the country.

3. Birth certificates, social security cards, marriage certificates, immunization cards and a copy of my renter's insurance policy.

4. 19 photo albums, all pre-digital age.

5. 3 giant Ziplock bags (the gallon size) full of prescription drugs, just in case Rite Aid burns down too and they can't locate the medications that keep me sane and acid reflux free.

6. 8 refrigerator magnets that have pictures of my kids on them.

7. Some jewelry.

8. My camera, which has about 40 pictures of my messy house that I ran around taking on Thursday while the air filled with smoke, just in case I have to provide photographic evidence to the rental insurance people of my crappy furniture, my aging electronics, and my grandmother's silver.

9. Four regular backpacks, one for each member of the family, with two changes of clothing and a toothbrush.

10. Two giant red "Four Person Disaster Survival" backpacks from the Red Cross that my sister gave me for Christmas.

11. An Ikea catalog, so that if we lose everything, I can just place one giant order to replace things and get it over with.

So -- back to the feet. It's high summer now and I know you are all happily wearing flip-flops as often as possible. In fact, if you're not wearing flip flops I want to know why, because I think it might be a City of Santa Barbara ordinance that all city residents own at least two pairs.

But there are some rules that are not being followed and I'm seeing some rule flaunting everywhere lately and I think I need to remind you of basic flip-flop etiquette.

Unless you are a lifeguard, you cannot wear them to work. This is just basic safety. Also, it makes you look like a slacker.

The heels! Oh my gosh, I am seeing some NASTY looking heels on people. You need to get a pumice stone and rub off that gross dry skin or your flip-flop privileges might be revoked.

Freaky Looking Succulents

There's cream for this too -- try Neutrogena's Cracked Heel Moisturizing Treatment. It doesn't take long to do and it will go a long way in reducing my nausea when you are standing in front of me in line at Trader Joe's and I'm freaking out over your crusty heels.

Please wash them. Your feet I mean. If you wear flip-flops, you're going to get your feet dusty, especially with Gap Fire ash.

Cut your toenails. Again, I'm watching you and silently judging your personality based on how long your toenails are. If you think they might need to be trimmed, you are probably right.

If you have hairy toes, it is perfectly acceptable to shave them. You don't have to shave your feet in their entirety, but hairy toes freak me out.

Nail polish. This is optional. Also optional - flip-flops with flowers or fake jewels on them. But if you decide to paint your toes and wear flip-flops with decorations on them, don't think that excuses you from basic flip-flop hygiene (see crusty heels).

And while I'm opining on feet, I'm going to say this about gladiator sandals.

They look stupid. Don't wear them. Unless you're Russell Crowe and starring in a movie called "Gladiator", they make your calves look fat.

I'm just saying.

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Nicole Freire is a freelance writer who lives in Santa Barbara.