Notes and Errata
By Nicole Freire

Freakish Tree

Did you eat enough chocolate and jelly beans this weekend? I did, so much, in fact, that my tongue actually hurts from all the sugar. I did not think that was possible.

A few questions have come my way and since I'm all hopped up on sugar, why not address them now? Besides, I still have strep throat, or staph, or whatever has been keeping me home sick and miserable for over two weeks now and not even my mom wants to hear about it anymore.

The dishwasher. Is it still broken?

Well, the answer is yes. But, we're pretending it isn't. This denial technique is awesome. Our new line of defense is to prewash the heck out of the dishes, throw a bunch of soap directly into the bottom of the dishwasher itself (because the soap dispenser is broken), close the door, choose the hottest water setting possible and hope for the best. So far it's working out ok.

I made the sauce, but it seemed a little salty?

Ok, my dad, master of all sauce, called me as soon as that column ran and said "Nicole! You said six pieces of bacon! I put in only three!" Which is ok, if you follow recipe directions, but I don't. Besides, bacon is fantastic. FANTASTIC. So if three strips of bacon are in a recipe, wouldn't double that be better? I think so, but if you want to use only three, go ahead. I'll just be over here eating the extra bacon you're not using.

So, are you still dressing dorky?

You know, I thought I was making progress with this. I donated a bunch of my dorkiest outfits to a thrift store. But then yesterday I was wearing a new shirt, something I thought looked cute! It was sort of peasant-y looking, a drapey cotton blouse in a sweet floral print, with an empire waist that tied in the back. And I felt good about it until I realized that the last time I wore blouses with empire waists I was pregnant. As in 8 months big bellied pregnant. And the bow? Unless I am six years old and wearing a pretty party dress and shiny patent leather shoes, there is no reason a grown woman needs to be wearing a GIGANTIC bow on her back.

Still off the joe?

Yep, still no coffee. I was reading some silly magazine the other day and it said that drinking coffee through a straw can help prevent your teeth from stains. Is this ridiculous or what? Who makes up these 'tips'? Who would drink coffee through a straw? Wouldn't the straw melt? Or get squishy? I'm not sure about this. But I'm intrigued enough that if YOU try drinking coffee through a straw and think it works, let me know. It might look a little weird but remember, it's an experiment! It's for science!

How about that tree thing?

Oh, I have such good readers. One of them sent me a picture that is so so so freaky that I get a little nauseous just thinking about it. Here, let me share it with you. Is that not weird? How much do I love that? A lot.

Are you still eating Cream of Wheat?

Yes, of course. I'm still sick. And, according to my last doctor visit, also dehydrated. So now I drink two quarts of Gatorade a day. The only flavor I can tolerate is the fruit punch variety, so my lips are stained pink most of the day, which makes it look like I'm wearing pink lipstick, which is nice, because I'm still on the Vaseline thing.

Nicole Freire is a freelance writer who lives in Santa Barbara.