Ugly Canadian Artist? - Searching the Web
by Billy Goodnick
People search the internet for all kinds of stuff. Everything from the bizarre (Was Plato's belly button an "innie" or an "outie"?) to the expected (omelet recipes with peanut butter and clam sauce). If my computer is on and a perplexing thought zips across a synapse, I instantaneously launch Google and I've got 3.4 million hits. Often I'm searching for an obscure snippet of a song lyric, like "My guitar wants to kill your momma." Found It! Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention's Weasels Ripped My Flesh album and a live performance on YouTube.
When I started my blog a year or so ago, I wondered how people found me. Then I downloaded StatCounter.com, a free web site devoted to what's called analytics in web speak. It tells me how many hits I get, where people came from (usually another web site that links to mine - there's a lot of interbreeding going on, but Ed runs a PG, site so we'll let it rest), most popular pages, what they had for breakfast, etc.
StatCounter even lets me see the keywords and phrases that started the search. If something in my blog matches up with the search words, Google displays my site as a likely match. With my ever-curious mind (and my aversion to real work) I checked out the "Keyword" section. There are the expected - "sustainable lawn care", "burgundy foliage", "Santa Barbara gardens", etc. - and then there are these. You're seeing them just the way they were typed...
"gardening genetics at home" - A handy search if you're engineering a mutant brigade of man-eating eggplants to launch your sinister plot for global domination.
"large.front.yard and low.water" - Aside from breaking all the Strunk & White rules for punctuation, I'm trying to imagine what they hoped to find. I'm guessing that they're expecting advice to reduce water. Seems the best website for them would be "Isn'tItObviousThatYouShouldMurderYourLawn.com". I'll see if that domain name is taken.
"ugly is in canadian artist" - What can I say? I thought it was in the eyes of the beholder. Talk about pitching me a softball. Maybe if we repunctuate it: Ugly is "in"; Canadian artist [fill in the blank, like Mad Libs] is seeking plastic surgeon to help him be more popular (?).
"rubber fire/rain boots" - Again, with the punctuation. So this person has set fire to a mound of car tires, hopes the rain will extinguish the flames, but doesn't want to get their new socks wet.
"sexy garden designs" - Not sure what they were looking for but my advice is to grow a really tall hedge, strip down to your pubes, grow some cocoa beans and eat a bushel of oysters.
"fantasia mushroom" - See above.
"chartreuse colour purple" - Huh? Buy a box of crayons and sort by general appearance. I don't think these two will be very close friends. Or perhaps they want to rent that Oprah Winfry DVD.
"oak moths spray hose" - I'm trying to picture this. A bunch of moths fly down, stand on each others' shoulders to form a pyramid and hoist the hose up. Meanwhile, another squadron lands on one side of the hose bibb handle and furiously fly counter-clockwise in hopes of starting the water flowing. Of course, if they succeed their wings will likely get wet, plastering them to the ground and a murder of crows (yes, that's the correct term) munch them for lunch.
"wall street journal flower review" - I've seen "pork bellies" as a traded commodity, but are tulips making a comeback?
"why do the scots hate us so much" - Because we don't know how to use search engines. That, and our erotic fascination with sneaking a peek at tartan plaid thong boxers.
"can purple be a guy color?" - I feel your angst. Is someone having a little problem with their self-image? Were we taunted on the schoolyard for our short pants, suspenders and knee-high socks? Did mater trim the crust off our white bread and cucumber sandwiches? Of course it's a guy color - check out the LA Lakers Jerseys. Have a talk with Kobie.
More later. Toodles
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Billy Goodnick is a nice guy who knows a lot about plants and garden stuff.
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