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Scanner Reports 8-21-13
updated: Aug 21, 2013, 7:00 AM
By Roger the Scanner Guy
I wonder what day this is. My Mom gave me another piece of the puzzle on Sunday of why I am the way I yam; "I wonder if holding you back had an effect on you?" Is what she said. "Holding me what?" I axed. She told me that when she was pregnant with me and after her water broke she was at the hospital and I was ready to pop I was held back because the doctor was still playing golf. Back in the day, at least in HoosierVille, a woman wasn't allowed to have the baby unless the doctor was there. I'm thinking this explains ALOT!
"That Dirty Dog," I says.
"Yea" she added, "we wondered if that's what made you a little S-L-O-W."
"He's not alive anymore is he? The doctor, I mean"
"No" she says, "he died a couple years ago. Why?"
"Because I'd like to play right thru" I said.
She didn't get what I meant by that. We didn't notice the birth defects till I grew up, I don't know maybe it was the Alcoholism kinda hard not to notice a pointy ear, a weird shaped foot, and one hung low unless you're changing the diapers. It's a darn good thing they never changed mine! I was kinda slow too. Always wondering about one thing or the otter I'd get punched in the face and just sit there wondering why for a second before I started bawling. Of course it explains other things also. I hate golf, I've tried it, tried to like it but I hate Golf. I don't like Doctors all that much. I cannot handle standing in line or waiting for things I get impatient to the point of anxiety attacks. I don't think about sex every 10 seconds like normal guys do, it's more like 11 or 12 seconds. I'm S-L-O-W, and that God Gone Doctor did it to me. Golf. Why I'd like to take a 5 Iron and give him a piece of my mind.
Every Sunday my Mom remembers something and gives me a nice little surprise. I'm just about recovered from the week before too when something else comes along. I'm ok though, I only spend a couple days in the closet. Of course nights when there's a full moon too. She's probably gonna tell me I'm adopted next week. I like to joke around about this stuff because if I took it seriously and began to obsess over it I'd probably go back to Indiana for a visit find out where the old prick is buried dig him up and find a Wood Chipper or something. I try to find humor in everything especially things that can be upsetting. I used to be a real angry guy capable of destroying things, lives, but mostly my own it seems like a real waste of time. I get mad nowadays it usually lasts a day or two then goes away. People are not worth the misery, misery loves company.
People around here in Santa Barbara love to assassinate peoples' characters. I guess it's all they have for ammo make up stories and slander others it's very apparent in times of election especially coming from the one side they condemn others but when they get elected making themselves look better they can't seem to get it up. Big Surprise there. When it comes down to it all politicians are full of it but some are nicer than others. I like the nicer ones. If I'm going to vote for someone, they have to smile and be nice and not talk smack about anyone. People that have to talk smack about others have low self-esteem and you don't want someone running a city or town with low self-esteem because they are going to have to make up for it by doing something else, and it may not be a good thing.
Oh Well Hairs your Blessed Scanner Roni reports, Monday:
Aggressive Panhandler ongoing issue with the same guy will sign a complaint 7-11 331 West
211 Silent robbery alarm at the Bank in the 1000 Block of State Street, Business First Bank it was a false alarm.
20002 Hit and Run first block of Green Well Lane.
Structure Fire 400 Block of North O Street Lompoc.
Hazard investigation Hope at Calle Real for a chemical odor.
Somewhere in the county a woman is attempting to strangle herself.
Constance at DLV Minor injury accident.
23103 Reckless white Lincoln Southbound 101 from Mission Street.
Fall victim with a head injury in Dennys.
415 Domestic on Via Donna 6 people living in home fighting in the back yard.
Los Carneros overpass mattress in lanes.
Subject running from the CHP Highway One at Santa Lucia Canyon
700 Block of East Anapamu report of lewd 40 year old female walking east.
211 Strong-arm robbery at Sears 3800 Block of State Street they got away for a couple hours or so I wonder what they had for breakfast though
Wow police are running one of my ex girl fiends for wants and warrants, she's clear I wonder if she's single?
23103 Reckless silver coupe East on Canon Perdido from Anacapa high rate of speed.
20002 Hit and run investigation on Red Rose.
UCSB PD Requesting Code 3 response for building 225 UCSB, I wonder why
Bath and Haley fall victim broken arm.
State and Victoria 415 Fight 2 males, a hole was kicked in a bench at Brazil Arts Cafe.
Lost Hiker near the Los Prietos Community Hall a mile and a half away.
242 Assault victim 6100 Block of Via Real.
415 Disturbance front of Radio Shack 600 Block of State Street.
Micheltorena at Almond subject yelling and breaking bottles vandalized some cars also.
Code 40, Drunk at Cottage.
Aggressive Panhandler 1900 Block of Cliff Drive.
SBPD was with a 594 Vandalism suspect in the 1200 Block of State.
Code 40, Out Cold 200 Block of South Milpas.
4 Year old boy missing for 10 minutes found under the bed on DLV.
Scanner Roni Reports Tuesday:
415 In the Mission Mini Mart 400 Block of West Mission.
Resident trapped in Casa Dorinda elevator having Panic Attack. They probably read Edhat.
594 Graffiti 300 Block of South Voluntario.
Transients disturbing at the bakery in the 1400 Block of San Andreas.
Vehicle accident Park Lane at East Valley.
1600 Block of Highway 166 Fall victim head injury unconscious having seizures.
400 Block of Santa Fe Place theft investigation.
235 West Micheltorena at La Bamba 415 involving 3 teen girls possibly involved in shoplifting.
242 Assault on Fairmont reporting party hit in face.
700 Block of DLV attempt 459 Burglary to residence.
Suspicious circumstances in the 400 Block of East Anapamu.
Check the Welfare of a female down Haley at Salsipuedes.
2600 Block of State Street 415 Domestic.
Freeway Hazard 101 near Gaviota deer running alongside the highway.
2700 Block of Cebada Canyon Road for a Vegetation fire.
Bob Cat Sighting Cathedral Point Lane at Patterson.
Trespasser yelling at employees at Vons on South Turnpike, history of Shoplifting.
415 Transient refusing to leave Launderland in the 2600 Block of DLV Called in by a customer who was leaving the area. The transient wasn't bothering anyone just sitting there but someone who was leaving was bothered by his presence so he called. He should have stayed to tell police why he called them not much they could do otherwise.
That's it outta me for now. I know I'm crazy you don't have to tell me but it's that doctor's fault for making me stay in the womb without a view too long while he guzzled cocktails and played with his little balls golfing. Have a great Hump Day and Dog Willing we will see you on FRYday. Later, Roger
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