Halloween Story Contest 2012- Honorable Mention
updated: Oct 30, 2012, 5:10 PM

Halloween

By Go West

Sunlight shone through a crack in the curtains. Dawn had arrived, and with it another beautiful day in Santa Barbara. In the distance, the bells of the Mission tolled, and a train whistle signaled its passing. Birds sang out and the sounds of traffic were just beginning. Everything seemed so regular, so normal. And yet, nothing was normal at all…

"Not enough kale! Not enough kale!" said Barry Seltzer, the famous Hollywood TV producer, in town for casting his new reality show and eating Julia Child's favorite tacos at Santa Barbara's favorite local restaurant, La Super Rica.

"This cannot be like New Jersey, or Orange County," the producer said. "The Real Housewives of Santa Barbara have more grit than the lot we’ve been interviewing.

"The real housewives here go to the farmer's market, wear organic clothing, are regulars at Whole Foods, and are all volunteers at a bunch of do-gooder organizations… and many of these wives aren't even married!

“Everybody we interviewed today seemed to have kids who play baseball, and spend all their time at Trader Joe's in Goleta and online at some pornless website called, Edhat. Do you want to see that on TV? I would rather watch Honey Boo Boo dance!

"The Santa Barbara girl I’m looking for hangs out with Oprah … she lives here, you know.

"And, aren't these the best tacos you have ever tasted? I came here 20 years ago, before it became popular. I met the owner once. He let me make my own tortillas. This place is filled with locals. Last week, I saw Randy Quaid here! Boy would I like to get his wife on the show."

"I love Santa Barbara!" he added.

The producer continued, "I heard they filmed the original trailer for the Bat Man TV show here. This place must be crawling with Cat Women. Cat Women who like kale.

All of a sudden, in that only-on-Halloween kind of way, the lights went out and smoke filled the air. When the lights came back on and the smoke cleared, it was obvious to all that something had changed. Mr. Seltzer and his look-alikes had taken over the city. They had built big mansions in Montecito, filled the city parking lots with fancy European sports cars, opened vanity wineries in Santa Ynez, did not support local businesses, and invited their friends to come live here too. Scary story, eh?

And, now there is no more kale.

Be the first to comment on this article.

# # # #