COMMENT 314957
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2012-09-01 01:41 PM |
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That's easy. Say thanks but NOOOO.
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COMMENT 314964
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2012-09-01 01:51 PM |
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Does she think you really need to save money at this point? Either she's trying to justify how much money she spent on the dress when she got married (by having it used twice) or she's suggesting you should save money by using something old. Tell her you'll think about using it for your second marriage haha.
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COMMENT 314966
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2012-09-01 01:55 PM |
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Tell her that you'd love to wear the dress at your wedding. After she gives it to you along with the $$$ for the alterations, cut it up in small pieces and burn it. When she asks about the dress, tell her that you have a feeling that someone chopped it up and burned it, but you're not sure and that you'll get back to her if you find it. If she's reasonable, then you have nothing to worry about and your simple problem is solved.
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COMMENT 314967P
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2012-09-01 01:57 PM |
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This is a lot bigger than just a wedding dress. "My fiancé told me and his mom that he has to stay out of it." Is he going to do this every time your mother-in-law starts meddling in your marriage?
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COMMENT 314969P
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2012-09-01 02:00 PM |
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I have a hunch that the mother of the groom is testing to see how much she can control you in the future. A polite, but firm, "no" might be very wise.
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COMMENT 314991
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2012-09-01 02:56 PM |
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She is testing you and I think your fiancee is smart to let you deal directly with her. You will find the right words but be firm and kind. Good luck and please let us know how it goes.
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COMMENT 314967P
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2012-09-01 03:06 PM |
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The fiancé doesn't want to get involved. He might be wussing out, afraid to cross his mother. Or he might be giving you the opportunity to let her know -- before the wedding -- that she's not calling the shots.
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COMMENT 314999P
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2012-09-01 03:16 PM |
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It is your wedding, but I'd say no..... If she pushes back loudly and strongly seriously reconsider whom you are about to marry. If it is test as some have suggested I'd also reconsider becoming a part of a family that tests boundaries in that way. Who knows what else they'll test you on later. P.S. I am a guy and I find the fact that she even asked you to do this to be a bit unnerving.
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COMMENT 315002
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2012-09-01 03:30 PM |
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Give the future mother-in-law the benefit of the doubt here. She may be doing this out of the goodness of her heart and trying to express her love for her future daughter-in-law. If you aren't mature enough to let her know in a loving manner how much you appreciate her offer, but want to pick out a special dress that is your own taste then you are in for problems down the road. Maybe this is a cultural issue or a tradition in her family. Try to at least develop a friendly and kind attitude towards the lady, she might just become your best friend. After all she must have raised a pretty decent son, you are marrying him.
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COMMENT 315004
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2012-09-01 03:45 PM |
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Let her know that you want to pick your own dress that will be special to you personally, just like she did! She is offering and trying to be nice so you need to nicely let her know how you appreciate it and it is sweet of her to offer to give you something that must be priceless to her but let her know you're already get her son which is gift enough, or something else sappy like that and then go buy your dream dress.
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COMMENT 315009P
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2012-09-01 04:18 PM |
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This has nothing to do with kindness or family tradition. It's all about control. Politely decline. This is YOUR day. If she cannot respect that, you have a long road ahead. If you let others dictate how is going to be you will regret it forever.
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COMMENT 315026
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2012-09-01 05:34 PM |
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Tell her it makes you look fat.
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COMMENT 315027P
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2012-09-01 05:37 PM |
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Whether it's control or just trying to show you that she is accepting you into the family, it's important to speak your mind (nicely) now. Otherwise, there will be trouble down the road.
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COMMENT 315030P
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2012-09-01 05:42 PM |
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Really? No, no no... skip any heart felt tradition... go out and spend 5 grand on a new dress! Then cry to your in laws how broke you are! Come on, get over yourself. Have it tailored to fit and modernized - make it work.
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COMMENT 315057
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2012-09-01 08:19 PM |
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Why not? Save the bucks and take the dress. What's the big deal?
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COMMENT 315063
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2012-09-01 08:56 PM |
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Something borrowed
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COMMENT 315120
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2012-09-02 08:12 AM |
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You don't know what her motives are, it is irrelevant, and a lifetime relationship worth developing, not second-guessing. The point is, the dress is not you, and probably can't be tailored to you. The polite "no thank you, it's just not me, but you are so kind to offer", is all you need.
You and your MIL are going to be much better off, down the line, if you develop your own relationship, where you can discuss things with her, not rely on your husband to do it for you. I think it is a good thing that he backed off.
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CLAUDITO
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2012-09-02 08:16 AM |
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Decline her offer graciously and tell her you have always looked forward to the quest for the perfect, unique dress. Invite her to go along on your shopping trip, she will feel included and appreciated. This could set the tone for the rest of your marriage!
Your fiancé was right in not getting involved, you can do this and assert your feelings in a polite and respectful way.
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NELLS07
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2012-09-02 08:24 AM |
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I think that most of the comments made all have truth in them and wisdom. 30 yrs later I wish I had been more firm in the beginning and not so much of a wuss. However, I think that the fiance should know that you expect him to stand up for you when needed. Speaking from experience, it hurts a lot when your husband doesn't stand up for you with his family when needed. He's marrying you, making a new family unit. He should stand up for his own wife and family rather than the one he left when he married you. Maybe discuss the issue with the fiance and let him know how you feel. Good luck!
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SEEDLADY
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2012-09-02 08:32 AM |
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nell's wisdom--yes. By marrying you, he is creating his own family and will be guiding it WITH YOU in tandem. His allegiance is to this unit. MIL2-B is interfering, even if she is too dense to realize it. But bottom line, be gracious about it. No hacking and burning of dress...
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FLICKA
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2012-09-02 08:33 AM |
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I agree with commenters who say be nice, but firm. There are some very good suggestions here about how to handle it. It wouldn't hurt for your fiance to tell mom, and you,"It's my bride's decision and I support her." Or, "Whatever my bride decides is fine with me." Edda, you outdid yourself with a perfect answer.
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COMMENT 315223P
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2012-09-02 11:59 AM |
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Tell her you're marrying her son, not her, or ask "Haven't you been there, done that?"
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COMMENT 315337
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2012-09-02 04:56 PM |
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The woman I am about to marry, divorced her husband of 5 years because he refused to stand up for her, against two nasty, petty sisters, and a very prejudiced Mother. These women would put her down, say all kinds of demeaning things about her, and had the nerve to blame her for the stroke suffered by a 90+ year old Grandmother. The husband was man enough to father two children, but not man enough to tell his family, "This is my wife, and you had better accept that fact, and treat her with respect, because I love her, and insist she be treated with consideration." If your fiance won't stick up for you BEFORE the wedding, I wonder how he's likely to be any better at this AFTER you're married.
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COMMENT 315394
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2012-09-02 08:43 PM |
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Traditionally, a mother saves her wedding dress for her own daughter to wear. Tell your MIL-2B that your mother has saved her dress for you. Say, "I'm sure you'd rather save your wedding dress for your own daughter -- she will be so happy to wear her mother's dress, but thank you for the offer."
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EDHATBARBARA
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2012-09-03 11:25 AM |
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This is the beginning of having a real relationship with your future mother in law. You need to be brave, real and honest. You can also be kind. Take her to lunch, look her in the eye and explain to her that you deeply appreciate the caring that went into the offer but you want the opportunity to chose your own wedding dress, just like she had when she got married. Be sure that she knows you don't intend to hurt her feelings. If she reacts that way, it is her problem. Otherwise, if you give in, you will always resent having to had to wear something you didn't like on the most important day of your married life. Suck it up and do it! There will be other situations in the future where you will have to deal with her; she may as well know now where you stand and what to expect from you.
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COMMENT 315002
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2012-09-03 02:34 PM |
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337 interesting story. Your future wife should have refused to have anything at all to do with a family who disrespected her and treated her poorly. If you marry into a dysfunctional, mean spirited family, be prepared for the consequences or be strong enough to separate yourself totally from that family. It's usually pretty obvious before you marry someone what the relationship with your husband's/wife's family is going to be. If you truly are not the one causing the problems then don't put up with their behavior. Let your fiancee know before you marry him how you plan to handle the situation so he can choose between you or his family if he has to. In-laws can be a blessing or a curse, it's not that difficult to figure out ahead of time. Nothing more wonderful than being part of an extended family that loves you and you them.
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COMMENT 315968
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2012-09-04 12:37 PM |
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I totally agree with the advice that Edda gave. Keep up the good work, Edda!
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